Category: Humor

Funny Stuffs, Jokes, Humor

Random Discourse – Woman now ‘owns’ the Sun

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Inspired by an American man who had registered himself as the owner of the moon and most planets in our Solar System, 49-year-old Angeles Duran, a woman in Spain told the online edition of the daily El Mundo that she now owns the Sun in late November 2010.

Miss Duran said she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20% to the nation’s pension fund. She would dedicate another 10% to research, another 10% to ending world hunger – and would keep the remaining 10% herself.

I doubt there is anyway for her to enforce her fees. After all, if she even tries she will get sued. To put it in an analogy, if someone has a spotlight and shines that light into another person’s house, he can’t charge anyone for using that light. In fact, it is likely he will get sued just like what happened between the neighbours in Everitt Road, Joo Chiat.

Outraged by Miss Duran’s hare-brained idea, I encouraged instigated Robert to create a Facebook Group called “I Want To Sue The Woman Who Own The Sun For”…

There are already some crazy ideas there. Feel free to like and join the group. Express your opinion and share with us just how we can turn the tables on Miss Duran and ‘make her life miserable’ if she even considers pressing her claims.

Pass this on to your friends if you like.

Humor – iPad

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I am no fan of Apple, and anyone who has been a frequent (if not long term) reader of this blog can testify. Even though I would agree that the Macintosh maybe the best tool for designers and publishers, it has always been my considered opinion that Apple is evil. It is far worse than Microsoft in bad business practices and being monopolistic.

Fanbois (or what I called iFreaks) would argue about the feel good effect of owning an Apple product and how cool the products are, or even how innovative Apple is. The fact remains, if you take it apart and compare component by component, you will be able to find another product that serves the same purpose, and even out-perform (yes, outperform) an Apple product. For example, the Creative Zen has always been rated a far more superior product than the iPods, but has always been out sold by Apple.

It isn’t long before the consensus among some of my more technical savvy friends that Apple products appeal to a very specific group of people: The act-cool group which does not understand technology and yet want to act geeky. This group probably also makes up the largest group of Apple product users and if you aren’t one of them there’s nothing in this post for you to be upset about.

So, while the iFreaks eagerly stay awake to await the news of a Apple Tablet – possibly the next best selling device yet again, I went to sleep. When I woke up I look at my CNET feeds to see what is so fascinating, I found nothing more than what I consider an iPod Touch XL on first glance. Only Apple can sell people an iPod Touch the size of a 1970s ‘pocket calculator’ as some state-of-the-art technological product at US$499. Not to mention it forces you to use something called the Micro SIM which so far isn’t carried by any mobile operators in Singapore. Now if Microsoft pulls a stunt like that, everyone would be screaming for blood and an antitrust lawsuit will probably lands on its lawns. Then again… Microsoft probably did try with Windows Vista only to end up with its nose bloodied.

However, my personal opinion of Apple and the new tablet really doesn’t matter. What mattered was the feeling I get when I saw its name – iPad! I can’t remember when was the last time a product made me laugh so bad that I get stomach cramps. Originally, I thought I was just the rare few sick sods who made the link with sanitary pads. It even made me wonder whether AWARE would made a big fuss over the name of this thing. But it wasn’t long that I found out I wasn’t alone!

Just which iDiot came up with this name anyway? So much for the innovation and creativity of Apple. The name is not even very original because it brought back memories of a HP product line called the iPaq. The best part of it all is that before the sun is down in Singapore, the iPad has became the butt of many jokes. See some of the products are being made in its honor, and the the funny images below.


Click to see enlarged

The following is some of the jokes cracked among friends:

  • – I have created the perfect carrier for the iPad. The iPanty comes in various colours and designs. Free matching iBra (wireless) included. Call for personal visit to take measurements.

  • – iPad will come with a new built in app called “iPad Monthly Scheduler aka iPMS” where device will break down, sound off a high pitched non-stop beep and / or refuse to respond to any voice or touch. Users will have to wait till the application ends its run by itself after a week or so. Beta testers have also experienced a number of iPads which are unable to stop the running application iPMS even after months of trial, but are not confirming whether the device is broken. A patch called iBaby has been released. iBaby will stop iPMS for roughly 280 days. Though it is claimed the program iSex will be broken for the same duration. (iSex don’t work anyway.)

  • – Don’t forget, iPod Touch is for light days, and iPad is for heavy days. 😛

  • – Beta testers have also reported long usage causes stack overflow errors. Sources indicate that Apple may be releasing iPad 2, lovingly named iTampon. It comes with a special accessory called the iString.

  • – Independent manufacturers announces new accessory for iPad, called iWings. Nobody knows yet, if it can fly.

  • – Nelson & Nelson, Inc presents a revolutionary peripheral – the iPeriod or iMenses. Your best companion for the iPad.

  • – Products such as iCondom, iViagra, iCialis and iMorningAfterPill are being planned.

  • – Local laureate plans book to release on the iPad. A virtual story on the virtual world of iGeylang and iProstitutes.

Movie – Monty Python’s Life of Brian

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Monty Python’s Life of Brian is an old comedy released in 1979. I was introduced to it by a friend when we were chatting over drinks in a pub after I quoted some lines from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, released in 1975.

I will not go into the details of it since it is an old movie. I had originally considered it a parody of the life of Jesus and somewhat felt the movie seems to make a mockery of Jesus’ ministry and life on earth. However, one could also read it as taking a swipe at the at the people who hear but never listen, and also those used their own agendas and beliefs to supercede Jesus’ teachings. All these was done through the ‘misadventures’ of Brian and it is very well depicted because from that the cast and the producers avoided insulting Jesus himself.

Anyway, no matter how I read the movie, I am not an extremist nor a fanatic so I watched it simply for laughs. It is a good movie to watch to lighten up, but be warned that the ending is rather anti-climatic. I have watched two Monty Python movies so far and in both of them I end up going ”duh?!’ at the end of them.

There’s a part which I watched three times and I laughed so hard till I got stitches. It is a conversation between four Jewish rebels: Stan, Francis, Reg (the leader) and Judith. Calling themselves the People’s Front of Judea, they were trying to define the agenda of their anti-Roman movement in the middle of a Roman Colosseum in Jerusalem, when the conversation took a surprised turn to the one below:

Reg: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man

Stan: Or woman.

Reg: Why don’t you shut up about women?

Stan: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement.

Reg: Why are you always on about women, Stan?

Stan: I want to be one.

Reg: What?

Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me “Loretta”.

Reg: What?

Stan: It’s my right as a man.

Judith: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

Stan: I want to have babies.

Reg: You want to have babies?!

Stan: It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.

Reg: But you can’t have babies.

Stan: Don’t you oppress me.

Reg: I’m not oppressing you, Stan. You haven’t got a womb! Where is the fetus gonna gestate? You’re gonna keep it in a box?

Judith: Here, I’ve got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can’t actually have babies, not having a womb which is nobody’s fault, not even the Romans but that he can have the right to have babies?

Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors… for your right to have babies, brother! Sister, Sorry.

Reg: What’s the point?

Francis: What?

Reg: What’s the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can’t have babies?

Francis: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

Reg: Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

Why did I find the conversation hilarious at all? Because it would also quite aptly describes the absurdity the argument of some pro-HBT (Homosexual, Bisexual and Transgendered) people and even the HBT’s fight for marriage or civil union. Especially the last remark made by Reg, the leader before the next scene: symbolic of the struggle against reality.

Indeed!! Now remember that the movie was released in 1979. Perhaps it would be indicative that the the generation before Gen-X (mine) maybe the last one with their head screwed on tight, and proper.

Earth Hour 2009

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Earth Hour began in Sydney in 2007, when 2.2 million homes and businesses switched off their lights for one hour. Now, people of all ages, nationalities, race and background have the opportunity to use their light switch as their vote.

Yes, it is this simple. By switching off the lights, you cast a vote for Earth and a vote against climate change. This year’s target is to have 1 billion people switch off their lights as part of this global vote.

Vote Earth by simply switching off your lights for one hour, and join the world for Earth Hour on March 28, 8:30-9:30pm local time.

Do this for our planet. It’s the only one we’ve got.

Climate change aside, the environmental problems we are facing are staggering. If we do nothing about it or act too late, these damages may become permanent and possibly irreversible. The rapid loss and desertification of our forested areas, and the loss of Arctic ice, along with increased pollution of our oceans and loss of fisheries are some of these problems. You may not know that today there are 40 times more plastic pollutant in the sea than plankton, and marine life is eating these. You may also not know that incinerating rubbish for landfills releases dioxins – a lethal toxin – into the atmosphere.

Thus, Earth Hour shouldn’t be the only time you do your part for Earth. A lot of the above problems are caused by our exploitation of our planet’s resources, a consequence of our consumption patterns. The end products we use, all contribute for the damage we are causing to our environment – right from raw material extraction to its manufacturing and ultimate disposal.

You might not be aware that some products these days are designed with built-in obsolescence – a design strategy that ensure you will need to dispose of the product after 2 – 3 years even when it’s still functioning. Take for example, how CPUs moved from being socket mounted to slot-mounted and back in the past 10 years, or the laptop that comes with one extra RAM slots that will only take RAM modules up to 2GB of RAM or chipsets that refuses to recognise anything more than that. Tough luck if you are one of the rare few having a 4GB memory requirement – you simply end up buying either a desktop or another laptop at obscene prices.

obsolescence –noun the state, process, or condition of being or becoming obsolete.

Beyond that you have other products like digital cameras that comes with memory expansion slots incapable of reading the latest memory cards. While it may not be necessary for you to put in the biggest memory card available, what is most infuriating is that it is too expensive or even impossible to obtain the ones that it does read!

When built-in obsolescence does not force you to upgrade or replace the product, it is then perceived obsolescence. Perceived obsolescence usually comes in the form of peer pressure, for e.g. that nice little new phone that has animated wallpapers, a 5-Megapixel Camera, or your colleague getting a LCD to replace her CRT. None of these things really enhances the main features you use or increase productivity. You are simply pressurized into buying them because you don’t want to look old fashioned.

Simply put, let us be clear about our needs and not our wants. Do your part in reducing the exploitation of our planet. Give our planet a chance.

Cartoons:

Satire – Admiral Ching Ho

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October 9, 2006
By Nuntawun Polkuamdee
Bangkok Post

Singapore’s Temasek Holdings has suffered a paper loss of 41% since it acquired telecom giant Shin Corp earlier this year.

Shares of Shin Corp on the SET fell 0.85% in thin trade on Friday to close at 29 baht, well off the 49.25 baht per share paid by Temasek in its acquisition in January.

Fri Feb 6, 2009 3:18am EST
Kevin Lim and Saeed Azhar, Editing by Ian Geoghegan
Thomson Reuters

Temasek, which had S$185 billion ($123.2 billion) in assets as at March 2008, has been hit hard due to its 40%exposure to banks that have slumped in value due to the global financial crisis.

Its US$5 billion plus investment in Merrill alone has resulted in a loss of more than US$2 billion. The sovereign wealth fund’s key investments include 28% of DBS Group, just under a fifth of Standard Chartered Bank and about 3.8% of Bank of America (BoA) following BoA’s takeover of Merrill Lynch.

Feb 6, 2009
Ignatius Low, Money Editor
Straits Stooge Times

Temasek chairman S Dhanabalan said that the board had debated whether or not to proceed with such a major change, given the turbulence in the global economy.

*An ugly lycan appears on TV*
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Nelson Lycan of Lycan TV, a subsidiary of the Lycan Times… reporting to you outside the head office of Temasek Holdings.

*ugly lycan fades out, narration*
Do not confuse this Admiral with Grand Admiral Cheng Ho, a Ming Dynasty mariner who lived in the 14th and 15th Century.
*artist impressions of multi-mast ships and of Admiral Cheng Ho shown on TV*

Great Admiral Ching Ho, one of the many members of an extraordinary family, lives in the same era as mere mortals such as you and I.
*pictures of the Elected-Emperor Loong-Le, the hitherto unmatched father, and other happy faces of the current Imperial Family and the Great Admiral rolls past the TV*

*pictures of great ships starts appearing*
The voyages of the Great Admiral Ching Ho has brought from distant shores the ships from all over the world, beginning with the magnificent Shin from the Kingdom of Siam. This was followed by even more magnificent naval marvels of our times, the glittering treasure ships from faraway Avalon, the lands of the Swiss Cheese and the even the Holy Roman Empire of Angmonika. The titanic StandChart, Bars of Clay, SillyBen and Bow-Ah were once crowning glories of the illustrious Great Admiral, and a constant source of envy for lesser mortals.

Yet, in a recent coup in the Kingdom of Siam, attendant vessels of the Shin has been dismantled, and even possession of the great vessel itself is in doubt while its former owner now lives in exile in the happy shores of Cathay.
*soldiers in yellow armbands on tanks in streets rolls across the screen, short video of former owner waving to supporters in Shanghai*

*ugly lycan returns to screen*
Unfortunately, this is not the last of the Great Admiral’s worries, as a recent unnatural tsunami caused by the accursed Angmonikans sprung leaks in the StandChart, Bars of Clay, SillyBen and Bow-Ah. Unbeknownst to the Great Admiral and her fearless crew, these seemingly mighty ships have been rotting away internally. Minors leaks soon turned into gaping holes in the hull, and a disastrous amount of island’s treasures unimaginable to lesser mortals spilled from their hold and disappeared under the rolling waves of the Great Salt Water Sea [咸水海].

Just as the island’s inhabitants have great faith that the Great Admiral will turn things around, even while the unrelenting tsunami caused by the verdammt Angmonikans comes crashing down all over the world, the Great Admiral Ching Ho has abandoned the island of Temasek leaving the Angmonikan successor with the decaying fleet.

The island’s baffled inhabitants are left to contemplate a future without one from the island’s most super-talented family to run it’s great fleet, at the same time the once untouchable Imperial coffers are now opened to rush into existence barriers to protect the island from this cataclysmic tsunami. Will Admiral ‘Chip’ Goodyear be able to lead the remnants of the once glorious fleet back to its former glory, or *gasp* will the remnants of the fleet disappear into the mists of the uncertain and uncharted waters ahead?
*a picture of a smiling ‘Chip’ Goodyear appears on TV*

It is almost certain, that the Great Admiral has left behind shoes too big for the successor to fill. *coughs… fades out*

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