Tag: ching ho

Random Discourse – Temasek Losses & Lui-sms

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Temasek Losses
Wow, man. Just what the fxxk happened here?! A whopping US$39billion (S$58billion) of losses. That’s S$58,000,000,000, if you are wondering how many trailing zeros there are. Just 0.01% of that amount and I’ll probably be able to live out the rest of my life quite comfortably.

That’s not mentioning, the amount is 2.83 times of the Resilience Package (S$20.5 billion) recently announced. No wonder they need to ask the President to let them use the reserves! Even though it’s said to be just paper losses, does anyone actually foresee the value ever returning to pre-crisis level? Maybe it will, but in what? 10 years? 20 years? 50 years?

Either way, in case the amount is so staggering that you still couldn’t fathom how much that is, consider this: assume Singapore has 4 million citizens and each shoulder a part of that loss. That means every Singaporean – including that one day old infant – lost a nice sum of $14,500.

If you spend $5 on a number on each of the three 4D-draws every week, you can do that routinely for exactly 18.5 years without worries. Even if you don’t win a cent at all, you will still get a remaining balance of $70 after that!

Thank you very much, Admiral Ching Ho!! And take up PN Balji’s suggestion and go into philanthropy please… after all, that will be doing what you do best – giving money away. It is definitely a place where you can use your talent to its fullest potential.

But this time round, give it to our people, will you? At least, we’ll probably remember fondly of the Mother of all Charities, compared to the CEO who keeps losing our money.

Lui-sms
It would have been an example of the genesis of the first step towards a more responsible, a greater self-regulatory regime. – Rear Admirer Admiral Lui Tuck Yew.

A friend point out the absurdity of the above comment. In fact, I personally don’t know whether this is funny or stupid. This isn’t even the equivalent of ‘Mee Siam Mai Hum’, which is forgivable and can be excused as a slip of tongue. After all, Baby Lee isn’t a master of Hokkien, and he wasn’t trying to show off his proficiency in that language.

In Lui’s case, it was almost certain he was demonstrating that his ‘Engrand is veddy powderful’. It doesn’t matter that it’s almost the equivalent of the following:

This is the revelation of the exposed.

It was an ejaculating male orgasm.

The penetration of the insert caused the damage.

A fine example in the use of oxymoronic antonyms.

Orally performed fellatio and cunnilingus is a crime under Section 377 of the Penal Code.

In fact, when I brought the matter up with an old friend, Pip, he said this reminded him of a Mojo Jojo person from Powerpuff girls. Here are some of Mojo Jojo’s very own Lui-sms:

– Professor, Please disregard first note. I have Blossom. Come alone to my lair. Do not bring Buttercup or Bubbles. You must come without them! When you arrive, you must not be accompanied by anyone, especially Buttercup and Bubbles; they are to remain uninformed by you by not telling them anything

– In the grading system, I would have assigned you all with an “F”, which, if I had control of the grading system, I would make the lowest grade a “Z” since that is the final letter in the alphabet, which starts with “A” and ends with “Z”.

– I swear that today is the day that I will develop a plan so diabolical and evil that I will crush the Powerpuff Girls. But first… I must attend to the dishes that I have soiled with the food that I have eaten.

– Now to catch up on the world’s latest events that have happened that this paper has reported with the words that they wrote.

– Dear Powerpuff girls. I have kidnapped Professor Utonium. If you look for him in the places he likes to be, you will not find him. He’s with me. But not by choice! I took him and he didn’t like it. This letter is from and was written by Mojo Jojo.

I shall tell you a secret which you shall tell no one! They are to remain ignorant of it by not being told. Rear Admiral Lui is…

…

…..

* trumpet fanfare *

Mojo Jojo!!! (Picture on right)
Rear Admiral ‘Mojo Jojo’ Lui

Recommended Reads:
Cobalt Paladin: The Voice Of The Void
Interactive Mathematics: Singapore TOTO

Satire – Admiral Ching Ho

2 comments

October 9, 2006
By Nuntawun Polkuamdee
Bangkok Post

Singapore’s Temasek Holdings has suffered a paper loss of 41% since it acquired telecom giant Shin Corp earlier this year.

Shares of Shin Corp on the SET fell 0.85% in thin trade on Friday to close at 29 baht, well off the 49.25 baht per share paid by Temasek in its acquisition in January.

Fri Feb 6, 2009 3:18am EST
Kevin Lim and Saeed Azhar, Editing by Ian Geoghegan
Thomson Reuters

Temasek, which had S$185 billion ($123.2 billion) in assets as at March 2008, has been hit hard due to its 40%exposure to banks that have slumped in value due to the global financial crisis.

Its US$5 billion plus investment in Merrill alone has resulted in a loss of more than US$2 billion. The sovereign wealth fund’s key investments include 28% of DBS Group, just under a fifth of Standard Chartered Bank and about 3.8% of Bank of America (BoA) following BoA’s takeover of Merrill Lynch.

Feb 6, 2009
Ignatius Low, Money Editor
Straits Stooge Times

Temasek chairman S Dhanabalan said that the board had debated whether or not to proceed with such a major change, given the turbulence in the global economy.

*An ugly lycan appears on TV*
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Nelson Lycan of Lycan TV, a subsidiary of the Lycan Times… reporting to you outside the head office of Temasek Holdings.

*ugly lycan fades out, narration*
Do not confuse this Admiral with Grand Admiral Cheng Ho, a Ming Dynasty mariner who lived in the 14th and 15th Century.
*artist impressions of multi-mast ships and of Admiral Cheng Ho shown on TV*

Great Admiral Ching Ho, one of the many members of an extraordinary family, lives in the same era as mere mortals such as you and I.
*pictures of the Elected-Emperor Loong-Le, the hitherto unmatched father, and other happy faces of the current Imperial Family and the Great Admiral rolls past the TV*

*pictures of great ships starts appearing*
The voyages of the Great Admiral Ching Ho has brought from distant shores the ships from all over the world, beginning with the magnificent Shin from the Kingdom of Siam. This was followed by even more magnificent naval marvels of our times, the glittering treasure ships from faraway Avalon, the lands of the Swiss Cheese and the even the Holy Roman Empire of Angmonika. The titanic StandChart, Bars of Clay, SillyBen and Bow-Ah were once crowning glories of the illustrious Great Admiral, and a constant source of envy for lesser mortals.

Yet, in a recent coup in the Kingdom of Siam, attendant vessels of the Shin has been dismantled, and even possession of the great vessel itself is in doubt while its former owner now lives in exile in the happy shores of Cathay.
*soldiers in yellow armbands on tanks in streets rolls across the screen, short video of former owner waving to supporters in Shanghai*

*ugly lycan returns to screen*
Unfortunately, this is not the last of the Great Admiral’s worries, as a recent unnatural tsunami caused by the accursed Angmonikans sprung leaks in the StandChart, Bars of Clay, SillyBen and Bow-Ah. Unbeknownst to the Great Admiral and her fearless crew, these seemingly mighty ships have been rotting away internally. Minors leaks soon turned into gaping holes in the hull, and a disastrous amount of island’s treasures unimaginable to lesser mortals spilled from their hold and disappeared under the rolling waves of the Great Salt Water Sea [咸水海].

Just as the island’s inhabitants have great faith that the Great Admiral will turn things around, even while the unrelenting tsunami caused by the verdammt Angmonikans comes crashing down all over the world, the Great Admiral Ching Ho has abandoned the island of Temasek leaving the Angmonikan successor with the decaying fleet.

The island’s baffled inhabitants are left to contemplate a future without one from the island’s most super-talented family to run it’s great fleet, at the same time the once untouchable Imperial coffers are now opened to rush into existence barriers to protect the island from this cataclysmic tsunami. Will Admiral ‘Chip’ Goodyear be able to lead the remnants of the once glorious fleet back to its former glory, or *gasp* will the remnants of the fleet disappear into the mists of the uncertain and uncharted waters ahead?
*a picture of a smiling ‘Chip’ Goodyear appears on TV*

It is almost certain, that the Great Admiral has left behind shoes too big for the successor to fill. *coughs… fades out*