Author: Grievous

Uniquely Singapore #2 – Seat Patting

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I have been cracking my head to think about something uniquely Singaporean to write about until this kind doctor posted it to ‘Voices’ on TODAY. Thank you, Dr Tan.


Singaporean quirks put in the hot seat

You see it more often in public buses. You vacate your seat and before you can even utter ‘alamak’, you hear a loud patting of the seat.

It could be the ah pek, ah soh, ah chek, or even the pakcik or makcik — this syndrome seat-patting spans all the major races in Singapore (well, all right, I have yet to see an ang moh doing so), transcending sex, educational level and age.

On the MRT, this ‘patting seat’ syndrome is more subtle. The commuter will begin by standing at the edge of the seat, then gingerly lower his or her butt onto it. The commuter leans backwards.

A hand will be rotated to test the seat temperature. Then the butt inches back. This process of ‘feel and shift’ is repeated until the seat is fully occupied, in the time it takes to traverse perhaps two stations.

This syndrome was even witnessed in a gym! One afternoon, I got off the stationary cycle, and a young man who was waiting came forward. He then patted the seat many times before he would ride it.

What is the aetiology of this syndrome? Phobia of developing haemorrhoids?

I guess this is what makes Singaporeans unique. As unique as ‘the newspaper beneath the top copy is always crispier’ syndrome.

Dr Tan Chek Wee

And as unique as ‘Seat Chope-ing’ using a pack of tissue paper.

When old folks pat their seats, it is pretty understandable since they have been taught that sitting onto a hot seat causes haemorrhoids. But when a young person does it, it is quite amusing. Has he ever considered if there exists any medical and scientific evidence at all to support the allegation that a hot seat actually causing haemorrhoids?

Until such a time whereby someone can convince me of the relationship between a hot seat and haemorrhoids, it is my considered opinion that the perpetrators of this particular absurdity get themselves educated, discard such third-world thinking and start living a proper first-world life. Are they not aware that it is exceedingly embarassing and insulting especially when they start patting a seat offered to them?

Also, if they are really compelled by voices in their heads or the Devil to do so, at least have the damned courtesy not to do it when the person is still within earshot and sight?

Personally, I have never bothered to find out if the relation between a hot seat and haemorrhoids is just an urban myth or not. But my common sense tells me that it can’t possibly be related since the human asshole technically wouldn’t come into contact with the seat at all, with the possible exception of certain special specimen which required closer examination and those forced to spread their legs wide because they each have a mango in their crotch.

Perhaps we should all start scruntinising some of the people around us and see if they are some of those human wonders who are born with an asshole that isn’t concealed by their own arse-cheeks.

ERP Billing?

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Found this load of crap on the Electronic Forum of the Stooge Times on 8th Dec. Frankly, I wonder if the guys at LTA are going to laugh or cry.


Monthly ERP bills can do away with CashCard hassle

With the implementation of a growing number of Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries, more and more motorists are being fined for having insufficient funds in their CashCards and forgetting to insert their cards in the in-vehicle unit, among other reasons.

To avoid being fined, many motorists slow down or stop their vehicles before ERP gantries to insert their cards if they had forgotten to do so. This is dangerous.

Recently, I went past an ERP gantry with my card not inserted fully in the in-vehicle unit. I did not insert it fully because the unit emitted a constant beeping sound to remind me that my card had a low residual value.

By the time I realised the card was not inserted fully, it was too late and I believe I will receive a ‘fine’ letter from the Land Transport Authority (LTA) very soon.

The LTA should look into other alternatives for deduction of ERP fees, other than the Easi-ERP scheme, which is applicable only to SingTel subscribers.

Motorists should be allowed to drive with full concentration on the road, without having to worry about things like having insufficient funds in their CashCards.

With the constant deduction of ERP charges from CashCards, it makes sense for the LTA to implement schemes for all motorists. How about having monthly ERP bills sent to the registered owners of cars? The LTA should have records of the vehicles that go past ERP gantries. Of course, these schemes should automatically include every vehicle owner, but with an opt-out clause.

Here are some recommendations for the scheme:

  • There should be a minimum monthly subscription fee of, say, $10.
  • ERP transactions will first be deducted from this minimum sum. Any extra amount will be charged during billing date.
  • Giro payments should be allowed.
  • Each person should have only one account, regardless of the number of vehicles owned.
  • Any amount in the minimum sum that has not been used can be rolled over to the next month.

Chow Chee Chang

Is this guy closely related to Starfish in Taxonomy?

It is another classic example of ‘Baby Singaporeans’ who obviously can’t take care of themselves but know only how to whine to the gover-min to change their diapers and wipe their asses.

For goodness sake, it is your own responsibility to:

  1. insert the cashcard properly into the IU and remember to have it in the IU when travelling to areas with an operating ERP;
  2. have sufficient funds in your cashcard;
  3. concentrate fully on the road and not be distracted by whatever other concerns of your life when operating your vehicle; and
  4. live with your mistake and pay the fine and not stop the car in the middle of the road, turning yourself into a nuisance and a safety hazard to other road users!

None of his blasted suggestions make any sense because it is never to the advantage of any service provider to have a billing system. The trend has always been move towards a ‘pay first, use later’ cashless / card system. While a ‘use first, pay later’ system benefits the consumer (like your credit card), a ‘pay first, use later’ system technically cuts down on cost for the billing infrastructure in place, whereby the reduced overheads should technically benefit the consumer in the long run.

While some ignorant people can be forgiven for failing to understand such simple concepts, and failing to realize that the LTA has repeatedly claimed to be non-profitable * erhem *, it is unforgiveable for anyone to actually have the gall to suggest that cost be incurred by the LTA – and indirectly taxpayers like you and I – so that he needs not be concerned with matters which is his own responsibility!

Get a kriffing life, Chow. No wonder some are led to believe that even our own political lea-duhs have generally a low opinion about their fellow Singaporeans. You aren’t helping by coming up with such a dumb idea.

You are dumb. You are loser!

Email Fatiague

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I have wanted to blog about this for a long time but I just don’t know how to put it. Also, if I spent time doing this during work everyone would be wondering why I am not doing productive work. So I put this up on my blog, after duty. You know, after some people got fired from their jobs for blogging about work, you sort of get a little concerned for whatever you do in your private life, even when grumbling about your work is still part of your private life to a certain extent.

Anyway, it’s been a long time I have been suffering from email fatigue (and overload) and I dread opening my mailbox these days. Thanks to those who think they are doing everybody a good deed in keeping everyone informed (or reminded) with emails, emails from colleagues are now viewed as:

  1. a chore;
  2. a source of multi-redundant, repeated, irrelevant information (aka spam);
  3. an avenue of passing the buck; and
  4. an absolute annnoyance.

Email has therefore ceased to be an instrument of timely, and relevant information thanks to those exceedingly (un)helpful, and email discipline and network-etiquette lacking individuals. In fact, it has become an annoying part of corporate culture. Is it a wonder why more people are now using IM – instant messengers – to pass information in a timely manner? Not to mention that because IM suffers from the very lack of tracking and the ability to be properly documented, it really makes everyone happier because no one can dig out an ancient email you wrote at the fit of anger to crucify you?

The following are some fine examples or specimens of ‘Email Wonders’ experienced either personally or by colleagues regularly. I am quite sure everyone receive emails which are deemed necessary for your knowledge and information. They usually left you scratching your head as to what implications they have to your work. For e.g. what impact is there to Singapore if there’s a server outage in Europe? No further information is given on what Intranet functionality or application is affected. Of course, the poor recipient is expected to discover how and why the information is relevant to him at all!

It is even worse when the emails contains several level of exchanges (sometimes ongoing over a long period) and suddenly forwarded to another person without even the courtesy of a short summary from the forwarder. It doesn’t even contain an FYI or FYA. So the poor guy who received it will then need to spend time reading and figuring out what was going on, only to either discover that it is a piece of information that either has no implication for him entirely, or that he is now required to contact those in the earlier exchange for clarification. What is even more wonderful, is for e.g.

  • a mass mail sent from Alex, containing a request to Ben to take certain necessary action;
  • a mass mail sent from Charlie, which contains queries on certain matters he made to Daniel; and
  • Edwin re-broadcasting an email to a everyone in the department, without even realising that there’s a similar email from Frank lying in his mailbox already. (This really takes the cake!)

And all these mail are just sent to a whole lot of people simply because it is easy to just hit ‘Reply All’ and sent the mails on their merry way. Who cares about the rest of the people on the mailing list anyway?! To these ‘Email Wonders’, it really doesn’t matter that it is exceedingly frustrating and annoying for someone to discover that an email is irrelevant to him or a repeat of information he already has! After all, what is so difficult to just delete these well intentioned ‘FYI’ (not FYA) mails? It doesn’t hurt to spend a few seconds figuring out if it is even relevant at all, right? Is it a wonder why, FYI has now taken on a new meaning – For Your Ignoring or For You (to) Ignore?

Apart from the above ‘Email Wonders’, email is also a convenient way for other sub-section colleagues to pass the buck. For e.g. Gerard sent Helen a mail asking her to perform a task which he could have done himself. A number of people are copied on that mail, so that they are now made aware that the ball is in Helen’s ‘care’, and that this matter is really Helen’s responsibility and not in Gerard’s job description. It doesn’t matter if poor Helen could have knocked off for the day, or she could be on leave. Had Gerard perform the task, the matter would been already resolved there and then, instead of being left dangling, to the chagrin of whoever in need of getting the matter resolved.

Wondeful, isn’t it? If you are one of the f#ck-witted ‘Email Wonders’ described above, to hell with you, alright? Thanks for making the workplace hell when everyone is just trying to make an honest living.

Thanks, but no thanks!

Day of Infamy – 64 years later

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Would there be those who would still remember Pearl Harbour and what the treacherous Japanese did on that day? Will there be those other than the South Koreans and the mainlander Chinese who could see Yakusuni for what it is and condemn any attempts by Japan to whitewash its crimes? Will there be Singaporeans who would remember that Japan is not just benign things like modern day automobiles, J-pop idols like Ayumi Hamasaki et al, Sony Playstation and Tamagochi?

Let’s all remember what the treacherous Japanese did on this day, 64 years ago, in 1941. Forget not December 7th, 1941.

Alamak!!

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1. Chancellor Angela Merkel stopped and bowed to German Flag. Baby Lee walks on.
2. Chancellor looked up.
Baby Lee continues, still oblivious.

3. “Halt! Hast du kein Respekt?!”
“Duh! Apa awak cakap?”
4. What would Baby say? The look on the German soldiers’ faces – PRICELESS.
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