I have been cracking my head to think about something uniquely Singaporean to write about until this kind doctor posted it to ‘Voices’ on TODAY. Thank you, Dr Tan.

Singaporean quirks put in the hot seat You see it more often in public buses. You vacate your seat and before you can even utter ‘alamak’, you hear a loud patting of the seat. It could be the ah pek, ah soh, ah chek, or even the pakcik or makcik — this syndrome seat-patting spans all the major races in Singapore (well, all right, I have yet to see an ang moh doing so), transcending sex, educational level and age. On the MRT, this ‘patting seat’ syndrome is more subtle. The commuter will begin by standing at the edge of the seat, then gingerly lower his or her butt onto it. The commuter leans backwards. A hand will be rotated to test the seat temperature. Then the butt inches back. This process of ‘feel and shift’ is repeated until the seat is fully occupied, in the time it takes to traverse perhaps two stations. This syndrome was even witnessed in a gym! One afternoon, I got off the stationary cycle, and a young man who was waiting came forward. He then patted the seat many times before he would ride it. What is the aetiology of this syndrome? Phobia of developing haemorrhoids? I guess this is what makes Singaporeans unique. As unique as ‘the newspaper beneath the top copy is always crispier’ syndrome. Dr Tan Chek Wee

And as unique as ‘Seat Chope-ing’ using a pack of tissue paper.

When old folks pat their seats, it is pretty understandable since they have been taught that sitting onto a hot seat causes haemorrhoids. But when a young person does it, it is quite amusing. Has he ever considered if there exists any medical and scientific evidence at all to support the allegation that a hot seat actually causing haemorrhoids?

Until such a time whereby someone can convince me of the relationship between a hot seat and haemorrhoids, it is my considered opinion that the perpetrators of this particular absurdity get themselves educated, discard such third-world thinking and start living a proper first-world life. Are they not aware that it is exceedingly embarassing and insulting especially when they start patting a seat offered to them?

Also, if they are really compelled by voices in their heads or the Devil to do so, at least have the damned courtesy not to do it when the person is still within earshot and sight?

Personally, I have never bothered to find out if the relation between a hot seat and haemorrhoids is just an urban myth or not. But my common sense tells me that it can’t possibly be related since the human asshole technically wouldn’t come into contact with the seat at all, with the possible exception of certain special specimen which required closer examination and those forced to spread their legs wide because they each have a mango in their crotch.

Perhaps we should all start scruntinising some of the people around us and see if they are some of those human wonders who are born with an asshole that isn’t concealed by their own arse-cheeks.