1 – Crystal Ball

I have peered into the crystal ball and this is on tomorrow’s papers:

*** HEADLINE ***

Indonesian Environment Minister blames Singapore’s reclamation at Tuas for causing the Earthquake at Padang, Sumatra.

2 – Jedi Knights

That if you have the following symptoms you might be suffering from Schizophrenia:

Therefore I conclude, all Jedis are suffering from schizophrenia because they all have the above 3 symptoms.

3 – Sith Lords

And if you have the above and you are ‘thinking that people are against you or talking about you’, you have the potential to be a Sith Lord.

Holy Cow!

And if this still doesn’t convince you, just what other creature on this planet has 4 stomachs? It certainly isn’t a creature that evolved on this planet! The cow’s stomach is clear evidence of alien biotechnology as it is nothing but an efficient bio-machinery that serves the objective of its alien creators – to strip our grassland bare to produce methane – and make the planet like that of Taurus Prime and more habitable for them! The cow is an advanced piece of alien artifact meant to ‘terraform’ the Earth in advance for the eventual colonization by the Minotaurs!

Alright… don’t get hysterical. That’s enough crap for one day. Now get back to your studies, or get back to work!!

• we cry Merdeka say don’t want ang-moh master, now we say ang-moh will make our economy better;
• we go to school wear Panda shoe, now some students go to school got Prada too;
• parent no money can be illegal hawker, now parent no money cannot even be hooker
  (The jobs already taken by Thai, Viet, Cambodia and China people);
• the young girl in Kong Siak Street’s is ‘ang pai’ hooker, now all these aunty can only serve lao uncle;
• no one say our ancestors are their home country’s quitter now you ‘bway song’ gahmen you kenna label a ‘traitor’ or ‘quitter’;
• last time sweep the floor all the ‘never study’ people now sweep the floor all Benga-lah ‘talented’ foreigner;
• we catch longkang fish and spider, now kids play Xbox360, PS3 and computer;
• we ‘pah gor-lee’ [play marbles], now kids go arcade & lan game centre;
• people got BATA BM2000 some of the classmates become sore-eye monster, now kids still wear the Nike from one season ago they better don’t go to school this semester;
• we go test cannot even use simple calculator, now kids no PDA ‘chow chow’ also use scientific calculator;
• a guy or girl sio hun kee’ [smoking] people say we ‘pai-kia’ [gangster] or hooker, now don’t play play can be a doctor;
• lifts stop only on certain level only will stop on every level;
• people ‘kwai kwai’ [goody goody] no throw litter, now got some people do CWO and pay $1000 fine also ‘sup sup water’ [small matter];
• we army time eat cook house the food look like Frankenstein monster, now NS boy eat SFI and served by aunty like an ocifer;
• ocifer ask us do star jump we ask ‘How high?’ now soldier tell ocifer ‘You sleep earlier stack your pillow high high.’;
• ocifer scold us ‘knnbccb’ we ‘Yes, sir’ ‘Yes, sir’ 3 bag full, now ocifer would be a fool to even talk about soldier’s mother;
• encik / incher like big shot in army now all nice nice like your uncle because scared contract over outside ‘got no lobang’ for good job end up become taxi driver;
• encik / incher say ‘F*ck your mother’ we better not utter, now soldier say ‘wait for the MP or my father’s lawyer letter’;
• PTI [Physical Training Instructor] like God got alot of power now all become FS [Fitness Specialist] aka ‘F*ck Spider’;
• PTI say ‘Run there touch the tree come back’ we cheong like mad, now FS say the same soldier will say ‘You are a seow on muthaf*cker’;
• last time kenna tekan is wash toilet with toothbrush or guard duty turn out every hour, now kenna tekan in army is clerk kenna arrow to type a letter;
• MO give you Attend-C maybe also no use now MO no give MC for little little ailment can also kenne charge for abuse;
• we book out long weekend long long one time chiong ‘Fire Disco’ now every weekend you see army boys at Dbl O;
• working people say life difficult we accept it because people eat salt more than we eat rice now kids say ‘Get out of my elite uncaring face!’;
• we got portable radio happy like f*ck now some kids no iPod newest model the parents will kenna f*ck;
• we get beating from teacher in school we go home kenna round two, now teacher scold student must watch out and better not leave school too;
• only see father hit son until son concuss now baby son take Ultraman toy hit the father the man also dare not shout;
• only student got crush on teacher now got teacher send student ‘我爱你’ SMS;
• we hardly hear of people ‘shot-gun & misfire’, now Nanyang Poly girl porn video circulate on Internet like wild fire;
• Vietnamese and China people all simple simple now got old man CPF all con by some of their people;
• we wanna eat 70cents ice cream also think dunno how many days now kids eat at MacDonalds’ everyday; and
• we ask our daddy ‘Do you love me?’ our daddy think we crazy, now daddy no say ‘I love you’ kids become crazy.

I know this does not rhyme, but next time gover-min ask you make more baby you tell them the above and ask them in Cantonese:

‘问你点敢乱生仔？’

Taken from Mr Brown. Enjoy!!!

Mai Hum Mai Hum! Mai Hum Mai Hum Mai Hum!!

Mee Rebus Mai Hum! Mee Soto Mai Hum! Mee Goreng Mai Hum!! All Mai Hum!!

Yes, I know all these got no hum! I just emphasise I don’t want ‘hum’ [cockles] even when there isn’t any, can?

Only Satay Bee Hoon, Char Kway Teow and Laksa ‘got hum’, understand?!