The Natural Selection Award

– that a junior college student committed suicide because he felt his private parts were too small. The boy, who cannot be named, had cited his perceived sexual inadequacies as the reason for killing himself in a suicide note addressed to his girlfriend and family. But according to investigation reports, the second-year JC student had a history of depression stemming from stress relating to his studies. His mother has also taken him to see another doctor after he confided in her his anxiety over the size of his penis. (Has he been watching too much porn? I can’t imagine someone going around to compare with others the length of his organ.)

The World This Week

– that the CIA had evidence Iraq possessed no WMD six months before the 2003 U.S.-led invasion but was ignored by a White House intent on ousting Saddam Hussein, a former senior CIA official said according to CBS. (That’s a nice way of saying they ‘fabricated’ evidence that Saddam had them.)

– that the official reception for Hu Jintao on the lawn of the White House turned into an fiasco. First, the US master of ceremonies pompously announced the playing of the national anthem of the ‘Republic of China’. And then came the screaming from a Falungong Far Long Gone supporter, who was so well-positioned in the media enclosure that the U.S. security services needed a full five minutes before she was fully silenced. (Use backside to think also will know all that is staged as an intended slight and insult.)

– that Warmonger Bush was shown on television grabbing Hu Jintao by his jacket when the Chinese president tried to leave the podium before the close of the welcoming ceremonies. (Hu isn’t a kid, Warmonger. And fortunately for Warmonger, that was Hu. I would have just turn around and punched anyone who pulled my sleeve.)

– that the Queen’s cousin, the Hon Margaret Rhodes, has told the BBC she is ‘perfectly sure’ the monarch will never retire or abdicate the throne. (The Queen might even outlast Prince Charles. Long Live the Queen!)

– that the German gover-min announced the controversial decision to agree to opening up the massive archive, which document the Nazis persecution of the Jewish people and millions of others and is housed in the town of Bad Arolson, to wider family members as well as historians, academics and members of the public. For the first time, documents relating to the transportation and extermination of millions of victims of the Nazi regime will be made available to the wider world. It was formerly inaccessible to all but those victims who survived and their children. (Some of that should be made available to the ruffian President in Iran named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.)

– that as the Vatican launched a 500th anniversary celebration of St Peter’s, the prelate in charge of the upkeep of Christianity’s largest church was considering how to save it for another half-millennium. An army of Vatican workers, known as sanpietrini (little St Peters), works full time trying to repair the damage and remove the stains left by inconsiderate visitors. “People have no idea how much time and energy is wasted removing chewing gum,” Cardinal Francesco Marchisano told a news conference to launch a year-long series of events. (Now you’ll see Singapore’s wisdom in banning chewing gum. The Vatican may want to consider doing the same.)

– that food aid donated to drought-hit Eritrea may be rotting in warehouses, diplomats and aid officials have warned. President Isaias Afewerki insists Eritrea is self-reliant. He has put restrictions on handouts and last month expelled at least three aid agencies. Last September, the number of people receiving free food was cut by 94% to 72,000 out of a population of 3.6m. After a bad harvest, it was estimated in 2005 that at least one in three Eritreans needed food aid. Some 11 million people are in urgent need of help in the region after late rains affected most of East Africa. (It is time they remove this President and make him ‘self reliant’.)

– that Russia said it wanted no action against Iran before an April 28 U.N. deadline set for it to halt uranium enrichment, but a top U.S. official said other countries were inching toward sanctions. (Russia would perhaps change its mind when it finds evidence linking Iran to the rebels in Chechen.)

– that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said during an armed forces parade that any aggressor would regret attacking Iran, which is embroiled in a nuclear dispute with the West. The president declared Iran a nuclear power after he said it had successfully enriched uranium to the level used in power stations. Iran insists its program is civilian despite accusations by the West that it wants atomic bombs. (Wanna guess why no one would believe you, Iran?)

– that in the face of mounting opposition to its nuclear programme, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad threatened to ‘cut the hand of any aggressor’. “Iran has created a powerful army that can powerfully defend the political borders and the integrity of the Iranian nation and cut the hand of any aggressor and place the sign of disgrace on their forehead.” (If the army couldn’t pull it off, there’s always more terror bombers.)

– that in remarks that have unsettled world oil markets, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said that crude oil prices – now at record highs – are still below their true value. State-run Teheran radio quoted him as saying: “The global oil price has not reached its real value yet. The products derived from crude oil are sold at prices dozens of times higher than those charged by oil producing countries.” (Sure. If you think it’s still too cheap, you can pay to buy me a couple of million barrels. I’ll let you know where to deliver it.)

– that Hamas denied accusations by Jordan that the terrorist group had stored weapons on its territory and said it regretted Amman’s cancellation of a visit by the ‘Palestinian’ foreign minister. “Hamas rejects and condemns the provocative accusations by the Jordanian authorities,” the group said in a statement. (Jordan has far more credibility than Hamas, anytime.)

– that in a provocative move, the new Hamas-appointed ‘Palestinian’ gover-min has announced the creation of a new security force to be made up of terrorists who had taken part in attacks against Israel. A well-known militant, Jamal Abu Samhadana, who heads an umbrella group known as the Popular Resistance Committees, has been named to the new post of director-general of the Interior Ministry. (They sure have a way to name their ‘in-security force’, which sole purpose is make it more insecure for the Israelis.)

– that Nepal’s King Gyanendra may cede absolute power after tens of thousands of anti-monarchy activists poured into the streets of suburban Kathmandu, defying a curfew and shoot-on-sight orders. (Better to be Constitutional monarch than no monarch at all.)

– that South Korea has warned it will capture ships if Japan goes ahead with its plan to survey disputed waters claimed by both nations. Seoul claims the proposed survey area includes a section of its exclusive economic zone, and that Tokyo should have asked South Korea for permission to conduct a survey there. Japan, however, claims the survey area falls within its zone. (Capture and sink them. Yes.)

– that the Chinese authorities say they are putting up a huge statue of Chairman Mao Zedong in Tibet. The 35-ton memorial is being built to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the former lea-duh’s death. It is being erected in Gonggar County, near the Tibetan capital Lhasa, China’s state-run news agency Xinhua said. (Nuts. A statue is good for nothing other than for birds to poo on it. For that purpose, a Mao statue will do just fine.)

– that Hu’s rise to power was positively meteoric. He was noticed by paramount lea-duh Deng Xiaoping in 1988. Deng was watching a video of the put-down of a popular uprising in Tibet, and asked about the young man giving orders to soldiers. Shortly after, Deng reportedly said, “Hu is good.” (So there’s a ruthless side behind that scholarly look of Hu that we do not know of.)

– that Hu was close to beloved lea-duh Hu Yaobang, whose death in April 1989 helped spark the protest that ended with the deaths of hundreds of young democracy idealists starting on the evening of June 3, and leaving a scar on the nation. And during the earlier student protests of 1986, Hu Yaobang was purged for being too mild. Senior lea-duh Wang Zhen advised breaking up the protests with flamethrowers. Hu Jintao was forced to denounce the elder Hu – or be cast out himself. (Flamethrowers?! I’ll be glad to turn one on this sicko Wang Zhen himself.)

– that Mama-thir Mohamad continued criticising the gover-min’s decision to scrap plans for a bridge to replace the Causeway, saying Singapore had no objections to the plan four years ago. Referring to a letter dated 2002, he said: “In a letter by Goh Chok Tong to me, he said if we wanted to build a bridge on our side, he would respect it even if it was not ideal to him. No conditions were imposed. He said if the bridge is built, they will remove the Causeway,” he told reporters. (Hey Mama, why aren’t you eating the same lunch you ate four days ago? If things are no longer as it stands four years ago, isn’t it bl**dy obvious?)

– that Mama-thir Mohamad has launched his harshest attack yet on his successor, slamming the Malaysian gover-min for selling out to Singapore by scrapping plans to replace the Causeway with a bridge. Speaking on the subject for the third time in a week since Kuala Lumpur decided to shelve the project, he said he could not stay silent if ‘somebody wants to sell Malaysia to other people’. (Perhaps it’s time Mama-thir have a feel of the sting of the ISA, just like Anwar did.)

– that it is no secret that Mama-thir has been peeved by what he sees as a dismantling of his legacy, for instance, with the national car Proton losing its special status. However, he had previously refrained from an open attack on Abdullah Badawi, his handpicked successor, though often criticising him in private. (Do you now regret not making yourself SM, Mama-thir?)

– that dUMNO Youth backs the gover-min’s decision to scrap plans for a bridge to replace the Causeway, says Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Hussein, adding that lea-duhs would explain the rationale for the move to the grassroots. Without referring to criticism by former premier Mama-thir Mohamad for holding negotiations with Singapore on building a straight bridge, the Umno Youth chief said, “All agreed a straight bridge was the ideal situation. Even if we had only 1% chance of a straight bridge, it was sensible for the gover-min to negotiate this long. But Singapore’s self-interest and calculative nature caused negotiations to fail. This, however, does not mean the gover-min’s decision to negotiate was wrong.” (Singapore was surely trying to negotiate. Unfortunately, Mama-thir was more like dictating to us our surrender terms.)

– that charges by Mama-thir that the Abdullah Badawi administration had failed to heed the views of the Malaysian people when it scrapped plans for a crooked bridge to Singapore have drawn a response from two key former ministers in his Cabinet. They pointed out that there was hardly any tolerance of dissent when Mama-thir was prime minister. The sharpest comments came from Anwar Ibrahim, but it was the views of Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah that grabbed attention, for he rarely offers comments. (It’s time for those whom Mama-thir has crossed years before to settle the score.)

– that the Malacca gover-min suggested constructing a 60km bridge linking the state to Dumai in Indonesia’s Sumatra, following the cancellation of plans to build a new bridge to replace the Causeway. Malacca Chief Minister Datuk Seri Mohd Ali Rustam added that the bridge – across the Malacca Strait – was estimated to cost between RM1 billion and RM2 billion. This would be similar to the cost of building the proposed bridge to replace the 1km Causeway linking Johor to Singapore. (And no one asked why a bridge almost 60 times longer is costing the same? Someone ought to ask Mama-thir that.)

– that Malaysia has told its local gover-mins to back off from playing moral police to its people. Holding hands and hugging in public should not be crimes, and local officials should not be enforcers of morals, according to a set of guidelines on public decency drawn up by the federal gover-min. But the guidelines also make plain that nudity, stripping and sexual acts in public are unacceptable. Significantly, the guide is silent on kissing in public, which sparked the controversy in the first place. (So, Malaysia Boleh, or tak boleh?)

– that the draft gover-min guidelines come in the wake of public controversy after a Chinese couple were charged in a municipal court with indecent behaviour for hugging and kissing in a park. This sparked a major debate over public decency following a ruling by the nation’s highest court that the municipal court was entitled to charge the couple for public indecency. But one of the judges also suggested that hugging and kissing in public was not acceptable in Malaysia. Such a suggestion has raised fears, especially among non-Muslims, that local councils are being used to enforce Islamic-influenced morality codes. (If I hug my girlfriend and kiss her in public, and you get aroused and start having immoral thoughts, go see a psychiatrist and stop blaming me for your problems, assh*le.)

Singapore This Week

– that Baby Lee slammed the opposition’s secrecy over their plans, and refusal to confirm their full slate of candidates sooner and said it showed how casually they took voters. (You tell them to do what they do what then they where got face? Ehlo!! Wake up!!)

– that the SDP has rejected an offer by Khaw Boon Wan to call for a Commission of Inquiry to look into his ministry’s handling of the NKF issue, if there is a need for one. In a statement, Typo Chee said he had merely asked a couple of ‘simple questions’ over the responses made by Khaw and Lim Hng Gey Khiang in Parliament on the issue, and a Commission of Inquiry is not needed for this. (Why? Afraid that on appearing before the commission you will be found a fool again, on closer examination of your outrageous allegations?)

– that Khaw Boon Wan challenged the SDP to call for a commission of inquiry if it believed the gover-min botched the handling of the NKF scandal. If Typo Chee had proof of a gover-min cover-up, Mr Khaw said he would ask Baby Lee to open an inquiry and include opposition MPs Low Thia Khiang and Chiam See Tong in the panel. (Come on, Typo. Here’s your big chance if you have evidence. It is just unlikely you have any.)

– that the SDP says the charging of TT Durai will not be the end of the NKF story. The SDP says the Ministers for Health and Finance have a lot to answer for, as they had still endorsed the NKF despite whatever was going on. (What is there for them to answer for? They don’t run NKF.)

– that Typo Chee had toured Bukit Panjang constituency without its chairman Ling How Doong, who will be contesting in the single-seat ward in the coming election. Mr Ling, however, went on his own three-hour walkabout in Bukit Panjang with assistant secretary-general Wong Hong Toy and four other party members The former one-term MP for Bukit Gombak had recently spoken out against Dr Chee’s focus on foreign issues in recent years, as well as the prominence of his aide, Mr Yap Keng Ho, who is not an SDP member. Mr Ling admitted yesterday that he spoke ‘rarely’ to Dr Chee, the last time being ‘about two weeks ago’. Yet, the SDP chairman maintained that there was no split in his party. (Admit it, dude. And perhaps do the same treacherous shit to Chee the same way he did to Chiam. Better the bungling fool Ling then the gangster Chee leading the SDP.)

– that lawyers acting for the Baby Lee and Lao Lee issued letters of demand to the SDP for alleging that PAP Tali-PAP lea-duhs knew about the problems at the NKF, but deliberately covered them up. (A bankrupt has got nothing more to lose in continuing with these baseless accusations. Common sense will tell you that the gover-min won’t know there’s a problem if the auditors did not find any.)

– that the alleged defamation was contained in articles, in English and Chinese, in the latest issue of the party’s newsletter, The New Democrat. Among the allegations: Baby Lee was corrupt and was perpetuating a corrupt political system, set up by Lao Lee, for the benefit of the political elite in Singapore. The articles also suggested that Baby Lee was aware of corruption at the HDB, CPF Board and the GIC, but had condoned it. The two PAP lea-duhs made use of defamation suits to suppress allegations and cover up these wrong-doings, and not to protect their reputations, the articles were also said to have alleged. (There’s a term for this Typo Chee garbage. It’s called political suicide bombing – does himself no good at all, and hurts everyone it targets.)

– that in drawing parallels between the NKF scandal and the way Singapore is run, the SDP article, titled ‘If you think the running of NKF was bad, read this…’, said that GIC, set up and chaired by Lao Lee, was not accountable to Parliament in the way it invested the national reserves and ‘operates in secrecy’. (It would be fun to see Typo Chee account for his expenses too. Such as where he gets the money to fly to and stay in Australia most of the time.)

– that noting that the NKF had been run in an autocratic manner, with power concentrated in the hands of Durai, the article added: ‘Is not power in Singapore concentrated around one party, if not one individual? With the PAP monopolising power and making sure that no one has the means to challenge that hold on power (by banning protests, introducing GRCs, suing political opponents, making legitimate democratic actions criminal offences, etc) are we not witnessing the NKF but on a larger and national scale?’ (Get out of politics and be a fiction writer, Typo. The ‘Typo Chee Code’ would be a good name for your book.)

– that the SDA has suggested a possible change in constitution to allow for nominated ministerial positions. This is so that residents, especially those in Pasir Ris-Punggol GRC, do not have to be afraid that a minister and PAP MPs are not returned to power. At Pasir Ris MRT station, about five SDA members were distributing the party’s brochures to residents. The SDA is sending a team to contest the PAP’s group, led by Teo Chee Hean. (You need better ideas than that to win votes, dudes.)

– that SDA Assistant Secretary-General Desmond Lim said, “If the gover-min could not afford to lose one good minister, there is a system called Nominated MP system. Make full use of the system to appoint the loser from the PAP side to be a nominated MP. We would propose to change the constitution to create a nominated ministerial position. For example, Pasir Ris-Punggol residents – they should not be afraid to lose a good minister and their five MPs because the system will arrest their concern.” (Why would someone want to give up something which even you say is good just to let you in?)

– that Lim Gey Khiang said the opposition might raise the casino issue during the upcoming General Election. But he said the gover-min had already explained the issue and had implemented safeguards. “Singaporeans understand the safeguards that we’ve put in place. Some of these safeguards are very new and very unique because of our position. The bidders for the integrated resort projects understand our concerns and they’ve been working very hard to make sure the safeguards are met. Some have even proposed safeguards beyond what we have required them to do.” (Bring a lion to the people and hope that lion does not kill the people and yet serve as an attraction by putting it in a cage might simply end up killing the lion.)

– that the WP has defined this general election as a referendum on the future of opposition politics in Singapore. In an impassioned call to voters, Low Thia Khiang said that Singaporeans must decide if they want to give the Tali-PAP a ‘blank cheque’ or if they wanted an opposition to check and balance a Tali-PAP gover-min. If they believe in a strong opposition, they should signal this clearly at the ballot box – or politicians like himself would have to question their relevance to the political system here. “Do Singaporeans need an opposition, do they want an opposition? And if they do not want, then what am I doing here?” he said when introducing the WP’s first three candidates. (Low and Chiam should be given full marks for persistence. Let’s hope this won’t be a last hurrah before they go in a blaze of glory.)

– that upgrading to provide amenities and improve facilities for residents is an ongoing task and is not part of a strategy used in constituencies at election time, George Yeo said. It was his message to residents at the opening of a new market and hawker centre in Bedok Reservoir Road. (Still, no vote Tali-PAP, no upgrading. Geddit?)

– that some viewers feel strongly that it was rude and unacceptable to ask Lao Lee if he should step down, considering all he has done and continues to do for the country. (IMO, Lao Lee will still be gone one day. Thus, getting use to him having lesser and lesser presence, while seeing Singapore still in good hands, is better than getting shocked by the news of the great man being gone suddenly and getting worried about whether there will still be a tomorrow. But if Lao Lee wants to stay on as long as his strength permits him, then let him. He knows what he is doing more than anyone of us.)

– that GRCs unlikely to be contested are Bishan-Toa Payoh, Holland-Bukit Timah, Hong Kah, Jurong, Marine Parade, Tanjong Pagar and West Coast. (The opposition apparently has got no interest in voters living in the western side of Singapore. They have abandoned us and deprived us of our right to exercise our vote. The opposition has now given the Tali-PAP the mandate in those parts on our behalf. Thank you very much! That’s just sooooooo democratic.)

– that TT Durai has been slapped with two charges of corruption. He is accused of submitting false invoices to mislead the NKF. One charge reads that Durai had, between December 2003 and January 2004, deceived the NKF into making a $20,000 payment to a company for providing interior design consultancy service for various dialysis centres in 2003. The other alleges he deceived the NKF, in September 2003, into paying $5,000 to another company as consultancy for hiring a senior manager for NKF. In both cases, no such services were rendered. For each charge, Durai faces a maximum fine of $100,000 or five years in jail, or both. He is out on bail of $50,000. (Maybe Sim Wong Hoo ought to read this and be glad that the Creative staff he complained about in his NUTS book are actually following proper procedures, CEO or not.)

– that the next revision to public transport fares will be made in August, not May, as originally expected. The PTCl said the delay will allow broad changes to the PTC Act to be put in place. These include a new licensing regime for bus operators, an audit system for bus operator service standards and a penalty system for commuters who underpay intentionally. (Why not delay it until October? That would make the Chinese phrase 秋后算帐 – to settle the debts after Autumn – even more meaningful.)

– that Singapore’s PSA International will acquire 20% of the port operations of its Hong Kong rival Hutchison Whampoa for US$ 4.39 billion in cash, the two shipping giants announced. PSA’s move followed its failure in February to win control of British competitor Peninsula and Oriental Steam Navigation Company, which would have created the world’s biggest port operator. (Is Mama-thir sore we didn’t buy into Tanjung Pelapas and Pasir Gudang?)

– that actor Terence Cao escaped a possible jail term for drink driving, but was stripped of his licence for two years and fined $4,100 by a district court. Cao’s lawyer, Mr S.S. Dhillon, said his client had drunk alcohol before he was stopped, but only because he had been filming a scene a few hours earlier that required him to drink alcohol. The lawyer claimed Cao had chosen to drink the real thing to ‘boost the realism’. (Gee.. be glad that he didn’t drink and rape someone to try and ‘boost the realism’.)

Trivial, Jokes and Thoughts from Discussions

– that a friend told me that someone wrote to one of the papers something to the following effect: “I was there when Lao Lee fell into the drain and I saw him pick himself out of it. At that time I said Lao Lee would become a great man!” (Don’t you all love all these ‘after the event prophets’? The same soul would probably have said the following had Lao Lee failed: “Walk also walk until fall inside drain. How to do big things?!”)

– that electric violinist Vanessa-Mae Nicholson, famed for her wet T-shirt album covers as much as for her music, is Britain’s richest young entertainer. he Sunday Times, which released its latest rankings of richest musicians yesterday, said the 27-year-old Singapore-born violinist was worth £32 million, thanks to album sales and concert revenues. (As usual, the Stooge Times cannot pass up putting the phrase ‘Singapore-born’ whenever they talked about Vanessa-Mae. Darth Grievous also cannot pass up the opportunity to ‘correct’ that over-sight either.)

– that Google injected even more optimism into analysts’ already bright outlooks by reporting a 60% increase in its first-quarter profit. The earnings topped the average analyst estimate by an extraordinary 32 cents per share. Revenue surged 79% to $2.25 billion, an astounding growth rate for a company as large as Google. (What so astounding was that if you bought shares of Google in the open market – not during IPO – you are earning a just meagre $1.95 out of about every $390 you put into this share before this announcement. That’s just about 0.5%, and that caused the share price to moved up 10%. A good day for any stock trader! Now, a share like AMD beats analyst estimates by 8 cts a share – EPS was 38 cts. That’s for a stock at $35 and thus it’s 1%. Putting almost the same amount of money into this share will give you 10 shares and would earn you $3.80 out of $350, more than 1%. Guess what happened to AMD’s share prices? Analysts says outlook for computer chips is bad and it went down to $33 after market hours. And then went further down to $31.9 the day after – a good 10% losses for anyone trading the shares of this brick and mortar business. What does that tell you? All that analysts stuff is just fiction and what they think about a share is probably decided with a toss of coin.)

– that Chinese fans of Google have created an online petition to get the popular search engine to change its Chinese name, ‘Guge’ [谷歌]. Reasons cited are that the name is ‘weird’, ‘unsophisticated’ and could damage the ‘cool’ image of Google in China. “Google, we love you, but we don’t love Guge,” said the petition on the website called www.noguge.com. It added: “The name Guge is not satisfactory and we are disappointed. Do you hear us, Google?” (Do you click on the ads and contribute to Google’s bottom line? No? Who gives a blasted damn about your disappointment?!)

– that gaming consoles is a good way of combatting piracy. (Simple right? If you can’t play pirated games unless you modify the console, and modifying the console may damage it, it is then a good way to combat piracy because not every person will want to modify their multi-hundred dollar console.)

– that computer users are being urged to update the Firefox web browser to close serious security holes in it. Some of the security lapses in Mozilla software, which Firefox is based on, could allow malicious hackers to hijack computers. There have been a total of 21 security flaws in various versions of Firefox, according to security firm Secunia. (Will there ever be a day we can be free from this nonsense, forever?)

– that the U.S. is close to losing its place as the top spam sending nation on Earth. Statistics from security firm Sophos show that China is fast catching up the U.S. as a source of junk e-mail. According to Sophos, 23.1% of spam comes from computers in the US and 21.9% comes from China. The UK is tenth on the list of spam sources. (China – Superpower at last! Junk mail Superpower.)

– that the Chinese gover-min enforced a recent decree that Chinese computer manufacturers will now have to install software at their factories, rather than leaving software to outside retailers who could turn to pirated copies. (It will be a good day for Microsoft if they just load Windows!)

– that an Oregon man will pay nearly $84,000 in fines and consumer restitution for using e-mail to market bogus anti-spyware software called Spyware Cleaner, Washington state officials said in announcing a settlement. (He should be infected with his own bogus software.)

– that persistent hiccupping in addition to weight-loss and difficulty swallowing could be a warning sign of cancer of the esophagus, an Irish researcher said. Professor Tom Walsh, of the James Connolly Memorial Hospital in Dublin, told a meeting of the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland that some patients with esophageal cancer complain of persistent hiccups. In a study of 99 patients with the disease he said 27% complained of persistent hiccups and 6% said it prompted them to see a doctor. (Coming up next: Persistent farting is an indication of colon cancer and persistent burping is an indication to stomach cancer. And here’s the killer: Persistent laughing is an indication of brain cancer.)