The Ugly Singaporean Award

– that Lau Chee Ching, a 32-year-old woman suffering from a mental disorder, is a resident of a nearby block of Block 728, Clementi West Street 2. Ms Lau said that she had heard ‘voices’ telling her to put money into letterboxes. She proceeded to a nearby teller machine and withdrew $3,000, which she slotted into the letterboxes at Block 728. Two well-meaning neighbours who were aware of Ms Lau’s condition rushed to the block to try and retrieve the money. But they were shocked to find some residents not only unwilling to return the money, but so eager to fish out more $50 notes they tried to pry open other mailboxes. Only $550 of the $3,000 had been returned to the family when this news was published. (The remaining families of Block 728 Clementi West Street 2, O $ P $, geddit? You have the honour of receiving the Ugly Singaporean Award en masse.)

The Ugly Chow Angmoh Award

– that on Aug 05, along Collyer Quay, a chow angmoh tried to bluff the taxi driver into believing he is the person who has placed the booking, and actually used vulgarities on me and the cab driver when he’s confronted and proven to be a fraud. And all I did was to say to the driver, “Erm, can you check if the number on the satellite booking system is 9xxxxxx9?” (Balik kampong lah, you babi-putih!)

The World This Fortnight

– that after fake CDs, jeans and Rolex watches, organised criminals are turning to counterfeit medicines as the latest money-spinner, with potentially lethal results. (Hang these sonuvabitches along with drug traffickers.)

– that GWOT – the ‘global war on terror’ – is being replaced in senior U.S. officials’ pronouncements by SAVE, or the ‘struggle against violent extremism’. (Maybe they can try to find something for SHIT.)

– that workers who lose promotions to colleagues who sleep with the boss can sue for sexual harassment, the California Supreme Court has ruled. In a significant expansion of sexual harassment laws in California, the court decided unanimously that a worker can suffer sexual harassment even if her boss never asked her for sexual favours or made inappropriate advances. (Try and imagine the day this old lady sued her young boss because her younger colleague got promoted for sleeping with the boss!)

– that at a Congressional subcommittee hearing of the House Appropriations committee, which is considering a bill that would provide $50 million in direct aid to the ‘Palestinian’ Authority (PA) , Congressman Mark Kirk told special envoy General William Ward, “I worry that I’ve seen this movie before.” General Ward said he cannot account for thousands of M-16 assault rifles, which Israel gave to the PA. Another official offered no clear way to stop Hamas from getting American aid money. (To solve that predicament, give them NOTHING.)

– that drink companies in Britain have been ordered to hire paunchy, balding men for advertisements under new rules banning any link between women drinking and sex. It said that watchdogs have issued a list of male characteristics that advertisers should avoid portraying in alcohol promotions to comply with the rules aimed at separating the consumption of alcohol from perceived sexual success. (Doesn’t alcohol numb your nerves and make it harder to get an erection?)

– that over the past fortnight Israeli intelligence agents have noticed something distinctly odd happening on the internet. One by one, Al-Qaeda’s affiliated websites have vanished until only a handful remain, write Uzi Mahnaimi and Alex Pell. Someone has cut the line of communication between the spiritual lea-duhs of international terrorism and their supporters. Since 9/11 the websites have been the main links to disseminate propaganda and information. (It is an amazement that they weren’t already taken down for almost half a decade.)

– that fresh from the controversy over their shoot-to-kill tactics in the wake of the London suicide bombings, British police have sparked more furore over their latest policy to fight terror – ‘targeted searches’. Some Islamic groups have expressed anger at what they say amounts to a policy of discrimination whereby Muslims travelling on London’s mass transport system are targeted for searching ahead of other religious and ethnic groups. (The anger would be better expressed against those who called themselves your co-religionists.)

– that John Coward and a cleric have accused each other of inciting hatred as Australia debates new anti-terrorist measures against London-style suicide bombings. Coward lashed out at Melbourne-based preacher, Shit.. erm Sheikh Mohammed Omran, for his failure to denounce terrorism. It followed the Shit’s comments that Al-Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden was ‘a good man’ and that the American gover-min was responsible for both the Sept 11, 2001, attacks in the U.S. and the recent London bombings. (What really needs to be done is for ‘Shits’ like these to be rounded up and deported to the moon, without a vacuum suit.)

– that Benjamin Neyanyahu has announced his resignation from the Israeli gover-min in protest of the upcoming evacuation of Jewish communities in Gaza and parts of Samaria. Netanyahu’s move could precipitate a political crisis for Ariel Sharon, prompting other ministers from Sharon’s Likud to resign. (There are always those who can even sell their own mother to gain some political mileage.)

– that Pervez Musharraf said a ‘broken’ Al-Qaeda in his country could not have directed the bomb blasts in Egypt and London and called the terror network a global ‘phenomenon’. Musharraf rejected as ‘absolutely and totally baseless’ suggestions that Osama Bin Laden’s Al-Qaeda network had its headquarters in Pakistan and said their communications structure had been broken. (Mushy, peek-a-boo is for babies. You can take your hands off your eyes now because your Taleban friends and their Al-Qaeda buddies are always there.)

– that hundreds of Muslims in Pakistan’s staunchly conservative north-west set ablaze dozens of television sets following a cleric’s ruling that watching TV was a sin, police said. The men congregated in a park after prayers and piled up more than 20 TV sets, doused them with fuel and set them on fire, said witnesses in the Charsadda district of North West Frontier province. (Machines are only as evil as the people intends them to be.)

– that Pakistan said that 800 suspected militants had been arrested in raids following the London bombings, while Islamic groups rejected a move to expel 1,400 foreign religious students. Police arrested 200 preachers after these men gave Friday sermons which incited sectarian hatred. This raised the total arrested in the ongoing raids to 800, a gover-min official said. The arrests came as the authorities began checks as a prelude to expelling foreigners from Pakistan’s madrasahs, or Islamic religious schools. (These sickos should be marooned on some godforsaken rock in the Solar System so that they couldn’t harm anyone anymore.)

– that the U.S. should encourage China to move towards a freer system, Donald Rumsfool said, warning of inevitable tensions between its repressive political system and the demands of a modern economy. Rumsfool argued that if China fails to open itself politically its economy ultimately will stagnate, weakening it. But if it opens its political system, its economy will continue to flourish. (Take a look at Singapore, Rumsfool, and weep. Political freedom and economical success are two matters entirely. So quit talking cock lah.)

– that Japan says China should disclose more information about its defence policy and military capabilities. In its annual report released, Japan’s Defence Agency voiced concern over Beijing’s rising military spending. It said China’s military expansion, including apparent plans for a deep-water navy, had to be monitored closely to determine whether it exceeds national defence requirements. (Tell that to the Americans too, will you? But a freaking dog seldom knows how to bark at its own master.)

– that some 300 Japanese lawmakers urged Junk-ichiro Konkz-umi to visit a shrine for war dead on the 60th anniversary of Japan’s defeat in World War II, saying he should not bow to pressure from China. (The other countries shouldn’t give a hoot about Japan’s feelings and celebrate VJ day 3 times every year on Aug 6th, 9th and 15th.)

– that Kim Jong-il has supernatural powers including his ability to do 11 holes-in-one on the first round he ever played golf, remembering the achievements, characteristics, tastes and bereaved family members for hundreds of the dead by a quick glance at the names on tombstones, and the telephones numbers of all his officials. He is also known to remember every line of computer code and pilots jet fighters, pens operas and produces movies. (What’s next? Walk on water? Part the minefield in the DMZ with a staff?)

– that Taiwan, Japan and the U.S. must cooperate militarily against China to prevent the Taiwan Strait from becoming a ‘Chinese sea lane’ and thus closed off to Japanese ships, Chen Shui-bian has said. Should the strait fall to the Chinese, it would be a crisis especially for the Japanese, as it has always been their economic lifeline, he told Japanese weekly Shunkan Shincho recently. (And why would that matter to you, you traitorous dog? Are you Japanese?)

– that the former CEO Proton was ousted after he rejected a new contract that offered him ‘inferior’ conditions, revealed Mama-thir Mohamad. Mama-thir hinted Mr Mahaleel Ariff’s criticism of the gover-min’s automotive policy hurried his exit from Proton, but said he agreed with his protege Proton is struggling against unfair foreign competition. “I have been suspicious of such a move for some time,” said Mama-thir, who started the national car project more than 20 years ago. “It’s not because Mahaleel had failed in his job. He was dismissed because he did not agree with the terms offered to him … The terms, according to him, are inferior,” he said. (Can’t expect everyone to be as ‘generous’ as you to your own pet project, Mama.)

– that a pig’s head drawn on the breakfast vouchers of 344 mainland Chinese tourists in Malaysia may have been intended to distinguish them from non-pork-eating Muslims and was not meant to cause offence, Abdul Aziz bin Harun, the Malaysian Consul-General in Hong Kong said. He also said that the incident was likely to be a misunderstanding. The tourists had staged a protest  at the First World Hotel in Genting Highlands to express their anger over the ‘demeaning’ drawings on their meal vouchers. “My good guess is the hotel staff were using the sketch to distinguish halal Muslim diners from non-halal diners,” he said at the launch of a Chinese-language website to promote Malaysian tourism. (Lame. Is it not easier to denote that with an alphabet or a really simple symbol like a cross or a tick?)

Singapore This Fortnight

– that when the gover-min announced policy changes for the property sector, Mabok Tongue emphasised that the aim was to ensure a stable market and not to boost values. (What’s so unstable about the property market before that, huh?)

– that after spending $400,000, the best name found by the URA for Marina Bay is indeed… * trumpet fanfare * MARINA BAY! (Reminds me of the other disaster: DBSBank – Development Bank of Singapore Bank. Good thing they never called it DBankS, or else it would sound like Dumb-Ass.)

– that organisers of Singapore’s next major charity show have taken steps to assure the public that every cent donated will go where it is supposed to. Television trailers for the President’s Star Charity show now include a voice-over that says: ‘All proceeds from the phone lines will go directly to the beneficiaries of the President’s Star Charity.’ (That probably won’t include the charges to SingTel.)

– that from August 1, the LTA will implement evening ERP on the northbound CTE. This will apply from Mondays to Friday – except public holidays – during the evening peak period between 6pm and 8pm. (AYE, PIE, ECP, you are NEXT!)

– that whether the North-South Expressway will be built depends on how effective the new evening ERP charges on the CTE will be in reducing congestion. The charges kick in from August and will affect motorists heading north on the CTE between 6pm and 8pm. (Was the ERP ever effective at all?)

– that evening ERP started along the CTE led to some congestion along alternative routes heading north. (More exciting evening ERP ‘magic wand’ treatment coming up to these alternate roads.)

– that LEE SENG LUP, the head of the Erections… sorry, Elections Department wrote this in reply to a letter questioning the need for the incumbent President to apply for a certificate of eligibility: “The Presidential Elections Act requires every person who desires to be elected to the office of President to apply to the Presidential Elections Committee for a certificate of eligibility. As all persons are equal before the law, no person, including the incumbent President, is exempted from having to apply for a certificate of eligibility to contest the presidential election.” (The public should stop pressing them for an explanation why is there a need to do so. It’s not very often there’s something for the Elections Department to do. So let the poor man do his job.)

– that a 32-year-old engineer who used a camera phone to snoop on his landlady having an intimate moment with her boyfriend was jailed for two weeks and fined $2,000. Chin Yaw Kiong admitted he had intruded on the 36-year-old woman’s privacy at her Hougang flat on the night of Feb 23. (The landlady has never heard of budget hotels?)

Trivial, Jokes and Thought from Discussions

– that the name for the next generation of Windows is called ‘VISTA’. (Apt. VISTA is an acronym for the top five Windows problems: Viruses, Infections, Spyware, Trojans and Adware’.

– that a Gary McKinnon, 39, is accused of accessing 97 U.S. gover-min computers, causing damage estimated at US$700,000 and is charged for ‘the biggest computer hack of all time’. McKinnon is accused of 20 counts relating to the American army, navy and air force, Nasa and the Department of Defence. One allegation is that he deleted files and logs from computers at the U.S. Naval Weapons Station Earle at a critical time after the Twin Towers attacks, rendering the base’s network of 300 computers inoperable. (All hail McKinnon! King of Hackers!)

– that the Church of England is to allow gay clergy to enter into civil partnerships but only if they promise to abstain from sex, according to guidance issued. It has been drawn up to clarify the Church’s position on the Civil Partnerships Act, which will offer same-sex couples a legal status similar to marriage when it comes into effect on Dec 5. (“Hey kitty, I’ll let you be with the fish as long as you don’t eat it, ok?” And then the kitty said, “I didn’t eat leh, I yawn and it swam inside.”)

– that Turd Blossom is said to be one of several nicknames Warmonger Bush uses for Karl Rove, who is widely credited with the former’s election in 2000 and re-election last year. (Turd Brain to Turd Blossom… how’s my chances in getting re-elected going?)

– that Barney, a five-year-old macaw, has been put in isolation and made to listen to the radio after swearing at distinguished visitors at the Warwickshire Animal Sanctuary in Britain. He told the mayor to: “F*** off,” before turning to a woman vicar and saying: “You can f*** off, too”. The bird is thought to have learned the expletives from its former lorry driver owner. (Can someone send me a recording of that so I can send it to some scumbags?)

– that Zoe Tay clarified her position on recent endorsement deals and her confinement practices after a letter published in the Stooge Times Forum page, sent by reader Teo Yan Ping, wondered why Tay was endorsing slimming product Extrim X if she was still breastfeeding her baby, Brayden. (Some people, like this Teo Yan Ping here, are really too free.)

– that Prolacta Bioscience has opened the first large-scale breastmilk processing facility. The Monrovia facility will accept donated milk from milk banks around the nation and use various pasteurization, formulation and filling processes to produce high-quality donor milk with specific calorie, fat and protein content meant for premature babies. (So now Zoe Tay has a new avenue to deal with her excess milk.)