The World This Week

– that the Pentagon pledged to respect the rights of ‘war on terror’ suspects, as the U.S. Senate began looking into new ways to prosecute detainees at its Guantanamo Bay detention center. In a memo, Deputy Secretary of Defense Gordon England instructed U.S. military lea-duhship ‘to promptly review all relevant directives, regulations, policies, practices and procedures under your purview to ensure that they comply with the standards of Common Article Three’ of the Geneva Conventions. (Oh.. Why the change of heart all of a sudden?)

– that Warmonger Bush was caught saying that a key to defusing the Middle East crisis was for ‘Hezbollah to stop doing this s**t’. “What they need to do is get Syria to get Hizbollah to stop doing this s**t, and it’s over,” Warmonger told Tony B-liar at a lea-duhs’ lunch at the Group of Eight industrial countries gathering here. Warmonger was on camera but apparently unaware that his words were being captured by a microphone. It was unclear who ‘they’ were. (Iran must be so offended.)

– that Warmonger Bush lamented the poor relationship between blacks and the Republican Party in his first address to America’s leading civil rights organization since taking office in 2001. “I consider it a tragedy that the party of Abraham Lincoln let go of its historic ties to the African American community,” Bush said. “For too long my party wrote off the African American vote and many African Americans wrote off the Republican Party,” he said. “That history has prevented us from working together when we agree on great goals. It’s not good for our country,” said Bush, who received only 9% of the black vote in the 2000 presidential election and 10% in 2004. (Abraham Lincoln must be rolling in his grave.)

– that Russia’s most wanted man, Chechen terrorist Shamil Basayev, was killed during an overnight operation by special forces, the state security chief told Vladimir Putin. FSB security agency chief Nikolai Patrushev said Basayev, who had claimed responsibility for the bloody 2004 Beslan school attack, had been planning an attack in southern Russia to disrupt the Group of Eight summit of world lea-duhs Putin is hosting this weekend in St Petersburg. (It’s not like the terrorists will now give up.)

– that French far-right lea-duh Jean-Marie Le Pen is likely to be cleared of charges arising from his remarks about the Nazi occupation of France, his lawyers say. A judge in Paris has charged Mr Le Pen with being an apologist for war crimes and disputing crimes against humanity. Mr Le Pen was charged after reportedly saying that the occupation was ‘not especially inhumane’ in January 2005. (Zidane ought to headbutt this SOB too.)

– that at the Group of 8 summit meeting in St. Petersburg, Warmonger Bush walked up behind the seated German chancellor, Angela Merkel, placed his hands upon her shoulders and gave what appeared to be a double squeeze. Merkel threw her arms into the air and seemed to grimace, and the news media and public were left to decipher the meaning of the incident. (The word for it is MOLEST.)

– that Charles Taylor is not happy about conditions in the Hague jail he was moved to last month, his lawyer said as the former Liberian president appeared in court for the first time since he left Sierra Leone. Defence lawyer Karim Khan told the U.N.-backed Special Court for Sierra Leone, which will try Taylor for war crimes, that his client could not make phone calls as freely as he could in Freetown, lockdown hours were more draconian and he was unhappy about the food in the ‘rather Eurocentric’ facility. (Funny. It makes people wonder if he realise how unhappy people were with the crimes he had committed on them. Maybe some of them doesn’t even have a life to say it. Consider it poetic justice, asshole.)

– that Libya was on the verge of building a nuclear bomb before it decided in 2003 to abandon its programme to produce weapons of mass destruction, its lea-duh Moamer Kadhafi has said, according to the country’s official news agency. (Kadhafi never cease to amaze me.)

– that Condom-leezza Rice suggested that she will encourage foreign ministers from Europe, Russia and China to bring Iran back before the UN Security Council because of its ‘disappointing’ response to an international proposal aimed at resolving a crisis over its nuclear program. Condom made her remarks a day after Iranian negotiators failed to give a definitive answer to the proposal, a package of incentives meant to coax it to abandon its nuclear ambitions. Last month, the foreign ministers from the world’s eight richest nations called for a formal response to the proposal before a meeting of international diplomats today. Condom called the Iranian position ‘disappointing and incomplete’. (It’s not like all these talk, talk and more talk will do anything to change the situation.)

– that a posting about Hassan Nasrallah, the lea-duh of Hezbollah, that appeared on a Web site with ties to Al Qaeda wrote: “Let us explain that the party of Hassan Nasrallah, for us, is a party which has a Shia ideology. Thus, he is considered our enemy like our enemies the Jews, the Christians.” (And all of you are enemies of humanity.)

– that Al-Qaida’s No. 2 lea-duh called for Muslims to unite in a holy war against Israel and to join the fighting in Lebanon and Gaza until Islam reigns from ‘Spain to Iraq’. Ayman al-Zawahri’s taped message, the first from al-Qaida since Israel began offensives against Hezbollah guerrillas in Lebanon and Hamas militants in the Gaza Strip, was a sweeping recruiting effort that even called on non-Muslims to join the Islamic cause. (How some people justifies religious murder as holy is mind bogging. But dream on, al-Zawahri, until the next drone finds you in the sights of its Hellfire missiles.)

– that Japan has agreed to compromise after strong opposition to its drive to impose sanctions over North Korea’s missile tests, and called for quick action at the UN Security Council. China and Russia, which hold veto power on the Council, have rejected Japan’s Western-backed resolution to punish North Korea, which sparked an outcry last week by launching seven missiles. (Kim Jong Il obviously doesn’t give a damn!)

– that a growing number of Japanese voters want the next prime minister to refrain from visiting the Yasukuni war shrine which is at the heart of tensions with Asian neighbours, new polls show. Opposition has grown after revelation that wartime Emperor Hirohito stopped going to the site because of its decision to enshrine top war criminals from World War II. (China should just build a shrine to Kublai Khan and make it a point to celebrate his attempt to invade Japan every year.)

– that the Security Council unanimously adopted a resolution condemning North Korea’s missile tests but slapped only targeted UN sanctions in a move rejected by Pyongyang which vowed to carry out further launches. The compromise resolution, which capped 11 days of tough bargaining by major powers, demanded the immediate suspension of Pyongyang’s ballistic missile program and imposed sanctions preventing the Stalinist North from buying and selling missile technology. (North Korea will remain defiant until the South, China and Russia do something that will squeeze Kim Jong-il’s balls.)

– that North Korea has managed to alienate even its few friends after a defiant showing at Asian security talks where it snubbed a campaign to rejoin stalled talks on its nuclear program, analysts said. Japanese officials said that after the tongue-lashing it faced at the ARF, North Korea was now considering withdrawing from the grouping, one of the few diplomatic gatherings it attends. (Kim Jong Il probably doesn’t give a damn even if half his country starves to death.)

– that China, which has been accused of trafficking in organs harvested from executed prisoners, will ban the sale of human body parts and related commercial activities from August 1, state media reported. According to the new regulation, ‘no organisation or individual is allowed to accept body donations except medical institutes, medical schools, medical research institutes and forensic research institutes’, Xinhua news agency said. (It’s as if they can enforce that or that there won’t be corrupted officials who will turn a blind eye to it.)

– that by the middle of next year, Beijing will have closed-circuit TVs set up in public places. It is all part of a move to boost security in the Chinese capital ahead of the 2008 Olympic Games which it is hosting. But some Beijing residents are concerned about the possible intrusion into their privacy. (Don’t worry, there won’t be a China version of James Gomez.)

– that Donald Tsang has made the problem of pollution a priority for his administration. Tsang has kicked off a clean air campaign and will be meeting southern Chinese lea-duhs next month to discuss ways to tackle the problem. Mr Tsang has been dressing differently, shedding his trademark bow-tie and jacket to make a point as authorities issued a ‘very hot weather warning’. (Koizumi has a copy cat!)

– that Gloria Arroyo outlined a massive spending programme to kickstart the economy and urged opponents demanding her ouster to give up what she described as a lost cause. Delivering her annual state of the nation address to Congress, Arroyo said the gover-min would build or upgrade at least 20 airports as well as roads, railways, bridges, ports and ferry services, tap water and irrigation projects. “Because of our economic reforms, we now have the funds to address social inequity and economic disparity,” she said, referring to key tax legislation passed in the previous two years. “Now we can fund our medium-term public investment programme.” (Let’s hope this is not just all talk.)

– that Malaysia’s gover-min declassified documents on negotiations with Singapore over an aborted bridge in a bid to counter criticism from Mama-thir. The documents released include correspondence between Mama-thir and Lao Goh and Lao Lee over the RM620 million bridge. (Time to shut up the Mama.)

– that use of Malaysian airspace and the sale of sand were first raised under Mama-thir’s tenure, and that Singapore’s approval was needed if the bridge was to go ahead, it said. It also refuted accusations from Mama-thir over the bridge negotiations. Mama-thir had alleged that Singapore had given a binding commitment to build the bridge. (Mama, you are no longer PM so you can’t cover the sky with one hand [只手遮天] anymore.)

– that Mama-thir, who is locked in a bitter dispute with the new gover-min, was attacked with pepper spray, his spokesman said. Mama-thir was assaulted by an unknown assailant as he was about to address a crowd of some 1,500 people shortly after arriving in eastern Kelantan state where he was on a political tour. (Mama-thir must admit he isn’t anything close to Lao Lee as far as intelligence is concerned. Or else he would have kept some mini$terial post for himself with some fancy title which seems to confer great power. For e.g. $upreme Mini$ter, Mentor $uperior, Grand Mini$ter…)

– that Mama-thir Mohamad denied a bombshell allegation that he forced a local tycoon to buy Malaysia Airlines (MAS) to help bail out the central bank. Businessman Tajudin Ramli is suing for compensation over the deal, which he said Mama forced him into in order to raise money after the airline’s then owner Bank Negara suffered massive foreign exchange losses. “I don’t remember instructing him to buy MAS shares. At that time the gover-min was not short of money. Yes we lost some money but we know what to do, how to recover, and we recovered,” Mama told reporters. (He can’t remember giving any instructions but can remember that the gover-min wasn’t then short of money and also they know what to do and how to recover! Mama, you think we stupid?)

Singapore This Week

– that the success of the Singapore gover-min in managing its investments has led to other countries in the region following in its footsteps. This is the view of some analysts that Channel NewsAsia spoke with. They cite the Korea Investment Corporation and Malaysia’s Khazanah Nasional as examples. The GIC revealed that it had achieved a 9.5% return in US dollar terms on its investments over the past 25 years. Currently, the GIC has an investment portfolio of more than US$100 billion – ranging from the relatively liquid stocks and shares and gover-min bonds to more risky investments as commodities and real estate. This is up from just US$6 billion when it was set up in 1981. (All rise and hail the great Lees… if they had given the original US$6 billion to start with.)

– that after 10 years in Singapore, Toa Payoh’s most famous ‘Ang Moh’, Neil Humphreys has decided to call it a day and will be leaving Singapore soon. He heads to Australia, next. (Perhaps what happened to Miyagi and Brown finally gave this ‘angmoh’ the impetus to finally give Singapore the ‘f*ck you’.

– that Singaporeans generally may say they speak English but a survey shows that 6 in 10 of them actually speak non-standard English in their daily lives. (What a waste of time and effort doing this survey!)

– that Professor Koh Tai Ann, Chairman, Speak Good English Movement, said: “We would need workers who can communicate with not only the non-Singaporeans among us but all the visitors we are attracting to Singapore – tourists, those who come for conventions, meetings and so on. It would so ironic if we find many Singaporeans’ English not suitable and we have to bring in foreign workers to work in these industries who can speak better English than we do.” (If a tourist wants to go to a place, language is not an issue.)

– that Singapore football was dealt a massive blow after the Singapore National Olympic Council (SNOC) ruled that the Lions do not deserve to make the trip to Doha for this December’s Asian Games. As the 2005 Tiger Cup champions, the Lions were expected to be included in the SNOC list. SNOC selectors, including president Teo Chee Hean, came to the decision after about three hours of deliberation at their National Stadium premises. (To fear losing so much that you don’t even dare compete is so self defeating. The ultimate in Singaporean kiasu-ism.)

– that two weeks after the shock omission by SNOC for the Asian Games, the footballers made a successful appeal. The Lions will be on the plane to Doha in December after all. (Finally someone woke up his idea.)

– that SMRT Corporation is planning to raise fares for its bus, MRT and LRT services. It will apply for a fare adjustment by the August 1 deadline set by the PTC. The SMRT Corporation says its total operating costs have ballooned by 20% this year because of the increase in diesel prices. (Ya ya ya! So diesel prices go down will fares be lowered?)

– that SMRT has reported a 6.8% on-year increase in its first quarter profit. For the three months to June, it booked earnings of S$27.3 million. Revenue reached S$180.2 million from S$176.1 million. (And it still have the cheek to ask for a fare raise.)

– that to help low-income families with urgent housing needs, the HDB will convert about 180 five-room and executive units in Jurong West and Sengkang into 2-room and 3-room flats. (And what size will those be? Are we finally getting close to Hong Kong in terms of pathetic house sizes?)

– that Internet fraudsters trying to con customers into revealing their bank details have become so brazen that they have even targeted the Monetary Authority of Singapore (MAS). The central bank revealed on its website that it has ‘learnt of isolated cases of fraudulent e-mails containing MAS’ name, logo and letterhead’. These e-mail messages typically ask the recipients for personal information or to transfer funds to a particular party or account. (It is as if some people never read papers. It’s been countless times the banks have mentioned that they don’t sent emails to ask for information or for people to take any action!)

– that some parents are using letters from police concerning their children’s late-night activities to get the courts to declare their children beyond parental control. The Singapore Children’s Society said it has encountered between five and 10 cases of parents receiving these letters, some of them concerning children already under court orders or police warnings. (Tough being a parent in Singapore!)

Trivial, Jokes and Thoughts from Discussions

– that the Zidane’s moment of madness in his last match before retiring may have been provoked by Materazzi calling his sister a prostitute, according to a report on Brazilian television channel Globo. Fantastico, a programme on Globo, employed lip-reading experts who said footage of the incident showed the Italian Shit-talian twice insulted Zidane’s sister. The programme claimed Materazzi made the same comment twice before then using a ‘coarse word’ at the French player. (What else can we expect from the foul mouths of shit-taly players?)

– that Zidane has not given his account of the incident but there have also been reports Materazzi had called him a ‘terrorist’ or suggested he did not have the right to play for France – both insults based on French-born Zidane’s Algerian heritage. (Mutt-erazzi’s bark is worse than his bite.)

– that FIFA said it opened disciplinary proceedings against Marco Materazzi Mutt-erazzi for his conduct in Italy’s Shit-taly’s stolen victory in the World Cup final, because of statements by France’s Zinedine Zidane, who was sent off for head-butting the Mutt in the chest. Zidane claimed he was provoked by insults from the Mutt. (And what’s the damned point? Will there be a rematch?)

– that Zinedine Zidane, and Shit-taly defender Marco Mutt-erazzi have been fined and banned by FIFA for a head-butting incident during the World Cup final on July 9. Zidane, who has retired as a player, was fined 7,500 Swiss francs and handed a three-match ban following a private hearing with FIFA officials in Zurich. As he is no longer a player, Zidane has agreed to undertake three days of community service on FIFA’s behalf instead. Mutt-erazzi, who admitted insulting Zidane, provoking the Frenchman’s head-butt, was handed a two-match ban and fined 5,000 Swiss francs. (Money is small matter to Zidane. The Mutt should have been banned for life.)

– that Jockey Paul O’Neill apologized for head-butting his horse at a race. ‘Angry jockey does a Zidane to his horse’, read the headline of London’s Evening Standard, referring to French soccer star Zinedine Zidane’s infamous head-butt in the World Cup final. (Emperor Zinadine Zidane has shown us a new ‘solution’ to certain problems.)

– that Serie A sides Juventus, Lazio and Fiorentina have been demoted to the second division for their involvement in Italy’s Shit-taly’s match-fixing scandal. Juventus were also stripped of their last two Serie A titles and had 30 points deducted, meaning they are likely to stay down for two seasons. AC Milan will stay in Serie A but will start the season docked 15 points. All are barred from playing in Europe – Juventus, Milan and Fiorentina in the Champions League; Lazio the Uefa Cup. Lazio were penalised seven league points while Fiorentina suffered a 12-point penalty. (If this brings down Italian Shit-talian soccer standards, then it is really poetic justice!)

– that Italy Shit-taly has descended from World Cup champions ‘to hell’, a front-page editorial in the daily newspaper Corriere della Sera read. (Hell is where Shit-talian soccer deserves to be.)

– that Microsoft is urging an estimated 70 million users of Windows 98 to upgrade as it ends support for the software. From 11 July, Microsoft will no longer help users over the phone with any problems they have with the ageing operating system. The firm will also stop providing security updates for Windows 98 from the same date. Support for the software was originally due to end in 2003, but was extended following customer protests. (Hang on for a few more moons for Vista.)

– that Yahoo and Microsoft have decided to make nice – at least when it comes to instant messaging. The two companies announced that they have made their IM programs interoperable, allowing users of Windows Live Messenger and Yahoo Messenger with Voice to connect with each other. (Yaaay!! The equivalent of cell phone roaming in the IM world.)

– that swindlers have stepped up their effort to fleece millions of dollars from online advertisers who use lucrative marketing networks run by Google Inc. and Yahoo Inc., according to a quarterly report to be released. The sales referrals generated by clicks on the brief advertising links popularized by the two Internet powerhouses are a sham 14.1% of the time, based on information collected from 1,300 online marketers. (And investors probably don’t care unless Google or Yahoo has got to return 14.1% of their revenue to the advertisers.)

– that a recently released survey of 407 online advertisers by market research firm Outsell Inc. estimated click fraud cost advertisers $800 million last year. Click fraud is a highly sensitive subject for Mountain View, Calif.-based Google and Sunnyvale, Calif.-based Yahoo because it raises doubts about the trustworthiness of the advertising model that drives their profits and stock prices. (It is a known fact for a long time that Google and Yahoo is not really all that rosy.)

– that in a story about what’s causing financial woes at Dell, the PC industry’s low-cost wonder, one analyst notes that Wall Street isn’t known for its restraint. “Wall Street always overreacts. They run up one side and then they run up the other side like a bunch of lemmings,” said Roger Kay, an analyst with Endpoint Technologies Associates. (And guess what? Often the analyst themselves fuel the reactions of the Wall street with the crap they write.)

– that Ken Lay has taken his place alongside Elvis Presley in the pantheon of people whose deaths have not been fully believed. In Internet sites and blogs, conspiracy theorists and jokesters have floated the idea that the Enron founder’s powerful friends helped him fake his death to escape sentencing in one of the biggest corporate frauds in U.S. history. One conspiracy theory finds it a little too convenient that former Secretary of State Colin Powell was treated for altitude sickness at the same Aspen hospital where Lay was pronounced dead the day before. Powell was in the resort town to participate in a panel discussion, but the theory purports that he was actually there to bring Lay passports, other ID and an escape plan. (These guys watched too much ‘Death becomes Her’?)

– that there were 35 million differences between us and chimpanzees. (They probably didn’t use Bush’s genes.)

From Catherine Lim

Galileo took away our favoured place
 In the centre of God’s universe
Then Darwin proved we came from
 The lowliest life forms or worse.
Freud exposed our private traumas
 And their dark sinister sources
Marx showed we were victims
 Of society’s exploitive forces.
From God, nature, society, self
 We suffer a four-fold alienation
Our quest for truth has only
 led us
  To a dire spiritual isolation. (And Darth Grievous says, “Seyla.”)

The Americans ought to teach Bush some etiquette or give him a Monica.