Today’s sermon is about assh*les.

This is not a ‘sermon’ defining what would classify one as an assh*le. Because someone reading my article would have called me a self righteous assh*le and for all I cared, he might even be justified in doing so.

But this is a sermon on different types of assh*les. There are five kinds of assholes and I will give a general description:

1. Born Assh*le: I pity you. You are just born like that. God made you that way. There’s nothing that can be done to help you. It’s in your upbringing, in your education, in your blood, in your genes, and well, in your family. There’s no reason to believe that with both nature and nurture driving you in that direction, you will not be an assh*le. So be proud of it and keep it up because we’ll all forgive you.
2. Un-aware Assh*le: You are such an assh*le but you don’t know you are one. And you think you are the kindest muthaf*cka in the whole world even when you have done things that screws up the live of many other people around you. I felt sorry for you, but you simply can’t help it. How can we fault someone who isn’t even at all aware of it?
3. Assh*le in denial: “I am not an assh*le. I am just misunderstood!” you cried. That’s what makes you different from type two, which isn’t even aware of it and thinks highly of some of the assh*le things done. In fact, you might even know what are the assh*le things you have done, but you just refuse to admit it. I also felt sorry for you. But this is still forgivable.
4. Assh*le wannabe: I don’t know what on earth is wrong with you. I mean, generally people try to be nice to one another. But you just try to be as big an assh*le you can imagine. You do things that offend and piss off everyone just so they will become annoyed, agitated and angry for your own pleasure. You relish in it. While the born assh*le is forgivable, you stand on the other spectrum, you should be condemned to hell, if not for type five.
5. Ultimate Assh*le: You know what you have done, but you never admit you are one, just like type two. You either deny vehemently of being one, or proclaim to the whole world, in a pathetic and utterly assh*le attempt to share the blame: “I am an assh*le because it is all of you assh*les made me one. I am just doing what you are doing to me!” Well done, assh*le, and I must say if one calls you an assh*le it’s well deserved. Even I can’t stand you.

So that’s all for today.

And yes, call me an assh*le. It’s not like I really give a damn. And no, I wasn’t targetting anyone in specific so if anyone is reading this in between the lines, no apologies. It’s your own fault.

Click here to refer to the previous Birdy sermon.