The Ugly Singaporean Award

– that the man believed to be responsible for placing a suspicious package on the platform of Hougang MRT station has been arrested. The 46-year-old unemployed man was arrested at his flat in Lorong Ah Soo, following ‘extensive investigation and inquiries’ by the police. Several items similar to the empty tins in the package were also found in his flat. He is also believed to be involved in a similar hoax on board an SBS Transit bus on July 7. The suspect will be charged in court under the regulations for ‘False Threats of Terrorists Acts’. If found guilty, he faces a fine up to a maximum of $100,000 or a jail term of five years, or both. (He should wear a trench coat and strap some of that around himself so that he can test the effectiveness of the new MRT police. He should pray hard that they won’t just pump 7 rounds into his head though.)

The World This Week

– that anti-war protestor Cindy Sheehan, whose soldier son Casey was killed in Iraq, is calling for Bush’s ‘impeachment’ and for Israel to get out of Palestine. “You get America out of Iraq and Israel out of Palestine and you’ll stop the terrorism,” Sheehan declares. (Whatever makes them think they will stop when that’s achieved? And BTW, there is no ‘Palestine’. Israel IS ‘Palestine’)

– that the mother of a Marine killed in Iraq, unlike Cindy Sheehan, urged mourners not to let their anger and sadness turn them against the U.S. fight in Iraq. “Honor me in this way,” Kathy Dyer said during a memorial service for Lance Cpl. Christopher J. Dyer, 19, of the Cincinnati suburb of Evendale. At the funeral at Tri-County Baptist Church, Kathy Dyer delivered what she believed would have been her son’s own message: “It has been with the greatest pride I have served … fighting to preserve freedom.” (Cindy Sheehan could do no more greater disgrace and disrespect to the memory of her own son than with her protest at Bush’s ranch.)

– that a Louisiana ACLU director equated al-Qaida terrrorists with members of a Louisiana school board seeking to open their meetings with prayer. Referring to the school board, Cook said, “They believe that they answer to a higher power, in my opinion. Which is the kind of thinking that you had with the people who flew the airplanes into the buildings in this country, and the people who did the kind of things in London.” (People with his kind of shitty thinking just do the kind of shitty things he is doing.)

– that infants have been stopped from boarding planes at airports throughout the U.S. because their names are the same as or similar to those of possible terrorists on the gover-min’s ‘no-fly list’. It sounds like a joke, but it’s not funny to parents who miss flights while scrambling to have babies’ passports and other documents faxed. (That should teach them not to name their sons another ‘Abu Shithead’.)

– that a man faced an Australian court charged with having sexual relations with a rabbit and the sadistic killing of 17 other rabbits whose carcasses were found dumped in a lane. Brendan Francis McMahon, 36, North Sydney, appeared briefly before Central Local Court Magistrate Allan Moore charged with having allegedly committed the offences over the past three weeks. (There are other kind of ‘rabbits’ in the Australian casinos. And no, please don’t kill them.)

– that a former Chinese diplomat who defected to Australia has charged that Beijing has sent a hit squad to kill him, but Canberra said the claim should be treated with caution. (One thing that never ceases to amaze me about my own race is the traitors.)

– that Hamas lea-duh Khaled Mashaal declared that the Israeli withdrawal from the Gaza Strip and northern West Bank marked the beginning of the end of the Zionist dream in Palestine. Dubbing the pullout a ‘defeat in the face of Palestinian resistance and a significant step with historic dimensions’ Mashaal said that as far as Hamas was concerned, the disengagement marked the beginning of the death of the Zionist dream. “The resistance and the steadfastness of or people forced the Zionists to withdraw,” he boasted. “The resistance is capable of ending the Israeli occupation and achieving all our rights. The armed struggle is the only strategy that Hamas possesses.” (Just like blowing up shitheads like this one with missiles fired from helicopters is the only strategy that the Israeli possesses.)

– that security experts in Bangladesh say they are alarmed at the coordinated and well-organised execution of a nationwide wave of bombings linked to a little-known Islamic extremist group. Although Jamayetul Mujahideen was banned by the country’s Islamic-allied coalition gover-min in February, attempts to root out its lea-duhs have so far failed. (Now is a good time to find oil in Bangladesh. The Americans may then be interested in a ‘regime change’.)

– that petrol pumps are running dry in southern Guangdong province, triggering long queues of frustrated motorists and fuel rationing as officials scramble to boost supplies. The country’s two biggest firms, Sinopec Corp and PetroChina, have been reluctant to provide fuel because they have to buy crude in soaring global markets but refine it into products sold in China at low, state-set prices. (Time to go back to the good old days of the bicycle.)

– that a chorus of accusations in the Chinese press alleging that the country’s two biggest oil firms – Sinopec and PetroChina – were behind the growing oil shortage in southern China. Both companies have denied the allegations, and instead blamed the recent typhoons for disrupting sea shipments. State media reports, however, snidely pointed out that China’s refined oil exports for the first seven months surged 45.5% at a time when cities like Shenzhen have been hit by a month-long shortage. (Screwing even your own people for personal prosperity is so very Chinese.)

– that Sinopec and PetroChina, which operate most of the petrol pumps across the country, are increasingly reluctant to import crude oil at record-high prices in the global market and refine them into products sold at a loss domestically due to the low price set by the gover-min. (Wah, China gover-min sooo smart. They fix the prices and make the companies ‘subsi-die’.)

– that in Japan, Junk-ichiro Konkz-umi said his nation felt ‘deep remorse’ for the aggression shown towards its neighbours during the war. (Skin-deep is how deep that remorse is.)

– that an unemployed man who later committed suicide was responsible for shooting Chen Shui-bian, prosecutors have concluded as they wound up a controversial case that has divided the island. The probe concluded that Chen Yi-hsiung fired the shots which lightly injured Chen and running mate Annette Lu as they campaigned in the southern town of Tainan on March 19, 2004, one day before national elections. (How convenient. Might as well say those miracle bullets are actually fired by aliens!)

– that allegations that eight of 10 plantation companies blamed for forest fires in Indonesia are owned by Malaysians is being investigated, a senior Malaysian official said. The ministry said company officials could face up to 15 years in jail if found guilty of illegal land-clearing. (Would be better to just tie them to the next batch of trees which are to be burnt.)

– that Anwar Ibrahim said that a RM4.5 million award for damages over a book that led to his sacking as deputy prime minister had cleared his name and proved he was the victim of a conspiracy. Author Khalid Jafri was sentenced to jail for accusing him of sodomy, graft and an extra-marital affair that resulted in an illegitimate child. (Not like dUMNO’s going to welcome you back with open arms soon.)

Singapore This Week

– that Singapore has witnessed a significant baby bounce since bold measures unveiled 12 months ago to lift the nation’s disastrously low birth rate. Vivian Bakayaro-nan told Parliament that it was too early to tell with confidence if the pro-baby policy had been effective. There were ‘encouraging signs’ such as a 3% rise in the number of babies born between May and July this year compared to the same period last year. (These parents will probably cry later.)

– that someone set up a cyber voting booth, listing all four presidential candidates who had submitted their applications for eligibility. Among the almost 2,000 ‘votes’ cast, Kuan has 55% of the ‘ballots’ while Nathan has 7%. 15% opted to ‘spoil their votes’. (Well, maybe Chee Soon Juan would beat Baby Lee in such a ballot too.)

– that the interim board of the NKF has come across ‘certain matters of grave concern’ in the course of its work over the last one month. It has requested the assistance of the Commercial Affairs Department to look into these matters, an NKF statement said. The board had appointed accounting house KPMG to conduct an independent audit of the charity. But it’s not known whether this on-going audit has thrown up any ‘matters of grave concern’ or irregularities. (What so grave? NKF gangs up with Soros and speculates in the currency markets?)

– that Mr Kuan, 51, has failed in his bid capped a dramatic week for the former group CFO of JTC Corporation. The Presidential Election Committee said it assessed the seniority and responsibility of his JTC post as being not comparable to those mentioned in the Constitution and he therefore could not have the experience and ability to perform the duties of President. Those who want to run for President need to get a certificate of eligibility from the committee. (Come to think of it, perhaps a lot of presidents from other countries won’t qualify too.)

– that Nathan was returned to office for another 6-year term. (With 3 votes.)

– that the Stooge Times learnt that ex-Presidential hopeful Andrew Kuan was studying his options and planning to take legal action against some people – even as he himself has attracted a defamation suit. Sources said that he wanted to sue those whom he felt had defamed him in the course of his bid to run for the [s]Elected Presidency. (The best option for him is simple: Migrate. It’s not like he can’t.)

– that armeed police officers from the newly set up Police MRT unit have started patrolling Singapore’s MRT stations and trains since Aug-15. The Police MRT unit was set up as part of a brace of measures to step up security at public places. Immediately after the London bomb blasts, Singapore’s Police HQ Command Post stepped up patrols at all MRT stations. MRT operators also increased the number of checks done on commuters. (How to patrol trains at peak hours when even commuters could barely move?)

Trivial, Jokes and Thoughts from Discussions

– that if a report in the Daily Mail is to be believed, Russell Crowe is set to pay US$11 million to Nestor Estrada, the New York hotel clerk he hit with a phone after being unable to get through to his wife in Australia. (Should make him pay in Euros.)

– that Mariah Carey is reportedly furious with Eminem for playing intimate answerphone messages she left him to huge audiences during his ‘Anger Management’ tour. Carey left the voice-mail for Eminen when he worked on Carey’s ‘Charm Bracelet’ album in 2001. The private messages feature Carey begging, “I heard you were getting back with your ex-wife. Why won’t you see me? Why won’t you call me? You’re not calling me.” The rapper then pretended to vomit into a prop toilet on stage and launched into his song ‘Puke’ which features lines including ‘you make me sick’. (Was that a song someone sang to him and for him?)

– that a failed businessman who stole a red G-string and was later found to have 48 other articles of women’s underwear in his home was fined $2,000 by a district court. The court heard how Cheng Chee Kam, a 48-year-old unemployed father of two, was caught red-handed on May 24 after he stole the G-string at Block 248, Yishun Street 21. Cheng was walking in the neighbourhood when he saw the item hanging out to dry outside a ground floor unit. However, the resident of the unit spotted him taking it and called the police. (Reminds me of a dog which went through a stomach operation to remove a lump only to find that the ‘lump’ is a G-string.)

Jerry, an associate professor, was having this conversation with his younger ex-colleague in a local restaurant during one of her trips back here. The lady is probably in her late 30s, and she has quitted Singapore for Australia for quite awhile.

“Hiya, Ann. It’s been quite a while since I last seen you. I heard you migrated to Australia. How do you like the place?

Ann: Jerry, I must say I can’t stand the Aussies. They are damned lazy. They do things slowly and never seems to put any urgency into things they do. I can’t stand them.”

“Is that so? Just a question, Ann. Why did you choose to migrate to Australia in the first place?”

Ann: “Come on, Jerry. You know. Singapore’s too hectic. Everything’s a rush. It’s so stressed living here.”

Jerry, shaking his head, with a look of dismay on his face, replied: “Then why do you begrudge the Aussies for being laid back? Aren’t they living the life you wanted? Come on, Ann. Give those poor Aussies a break, or else just quit and come back to Singapore.”

Conclusion: You can take a Singaporean out of Singapore. But you can’t take Singapore out of her.

(This might not be his exact words, and the names are changed, but this is a real conversation told to me by the associate professor who rebuked the lady.)

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It’s a bee-yoo-tiful note. Just one note, you can buy a few 4-room HDB flat oredi! But hard to get change, you noe?

The Ugly Singaporean Award

– that Chan Cheng Khoon, the man at the centre of the notorious decade-old Everitt Road neighbourhood feud, was back in court facing yet more charges of insulting behaviour. And this time, his daughter Chan Soo Yin joined him in the dock. (These two really takes the cake. Vermin scum of their calibre should be evicted and sent to one of Singapore’s most ulu – i.e. remote – offshore islands. Maybe should just make them owners of Pedra Blanca to reinforce our sovereignty claims there. At least then they can use their taunting skills against the Malaysian Navy. And hopefully the Malaysian Navy will give them the reception of their lives.)

The World This Week

– that foreigners who preach hatred or glorify terrorism could be deported under tough new security measures that Tony B-liar announced. Vowing to crack down on extremists a month after terror attacks killed 56 people in London, he said: “Let no one be in any doubt that the rules of the game are changing.” (Just maroon them on the moon.)

– that Russia called on Iran to halt work on uranium conversion ‘without delay’. “The wise decision would be to stop work that has begun on uranium conversion without delay,” the Russian foreign ministry said in a statement. (And what can Russia do if Iran doesn’t? Invade?)

– that the architect of Konk-zumi’s postal privatisation Bills said their rejection by the Upper House was Japan’s loss. A glum Economic and Fiscal Policy Minister Heizo Takenaka said, “The defeat of the Bills is a setback for the Japanese economy.” Mr Takenaka is much reviled in the ruling Liberal Democratic Party. The propose bill was to privatise Japan’s mammoth postal service, which boasts some US$3 trillion in postal funds. (Japan doesn’t need a bill to privatise the postal service. It just needs its own version of DBS.)

– that Japan needs to reconsider its ‘defence-only’ policy and become prepared to strike first to ward off an attack from existing and new threats, an influential think-tank said. The gover-min should also set up a central intelligence agency to cope with an increasingly complex global security situation, the Japan Forum on International Relations said in a report handed to Junk-ichiro Konkz-umi. (You won’t see Rumsfool questioning them on this one.)

– that Chen Shui-bian flew to an island off northern Taiwan in a high-profile bid to highlight Taipei’s claim over adjoining areas in the East China Sea including a disputed archipelago. Chen, the first head of state to visit Pengchiayu island 61 kilometres off Keelung, inaugurated a tablet inscribed with four Chinese characters reading ‘Safeguarding of sea territory’. The ownership of Pengchiayu is not disputed but there are competing claims to maritime areas between Pengchiayus and the Diaoyu archipelago, which is 105 nautical miles from Keelung. (Want to do show also do with more standard lah. Got balls land on Diaoyutai to show how much you really loved Taiwan.)

– that Indonesia’s Environment Mini$ter Rachmat Witoelar has said ‘sorry’ to Malaysia over a haze that has enveloped parts of the country. “The haze has become more acute for our neighbours in Malaysia and we are truly sorry for this. We are very concerned about the worsening situation, caused mainly by open burning in Sumatra,” he said. (Sorry no cure. With neighbours like this, who needs enemies?)

– that a Malaysian professor who frequently criticised gover-min lea-duhs and policies said that the public university where he worked has sacked him without giving a reason. Political science don Ramasamy Palanisamy, who had worked at the gover-min-funded National University of Malaysia for 25 years, told reporters he was victimised for being outspoken. (Don’t expect to be fed when you bit the hand that fed you.)

Singapore This Week

– that after more than a week in operation, the ERP along the northbound CTE have improved traffic flow. (Sure. The traffic just went elsewhere, which will also soon be ERP’ed.) – that Thomson, Upper Thomson, Marymount, Serangoon and Upper Serangoon Roads have been experiencing slightly heavier traffic flows. But the LTA says the conditions on these alternative roadways remain manageable. (Definitely very ‘manageable’ from the looks of this photo.)

– that 6 young Malaysians decked out in red and white among the crowd at this year’s NDP. One of them, Azwan Arif Abdul Aziz, 16, of Selangor, had high expectations of his first visit to Singapore, and he wasn’t disappointed. “The people are friendly and Singapore is so clean,” he said. (Well, maybe he should see CitiLink around 10pm on National Day after the NDP and reconsider his ‘so clean’ comment.)

– that the President is seen as a national symbol, and it is important to elect the right man, Baby Lee said. So those intending to contest, like Mr Andrew Kuan, should fully disclose their records – experiences, work history, current situation, how they have handled situations and why they think themselves qualified. (Why not the ISD just tell us? Is there something the ISD does not know?)

– that presidential hopeful Andrew Kuan’s troubles over the time he served on his condominium’s management council grew when a former council member and fellow Tali-PAP member Chia Boon Teck launched proceedings to sue him for alleged defamation. ([Cantonese] Gau Aw Gau Kuat – 狗咬狗骨 aka ‘dog bite dog bone’. Let’s just sit back and watch the show.)

– that Singapore won’t get a contest for the (s)Elected Presidency, after the Presidential Elections Committee issued only one Certificate of Eligibility to contest the poll – to Nathan. Three other applications for the certificate were rejected. (There goes my extra day of leave.)

– that the gover-min defended Singapore’s libel laws in response to a regional newspaper’s editorial calling for their reform following the NKF saga. It stressed that the libel laws had kept the system clean and honest. In an editorial on July 25, the Hong Kong-based Asian Wall Street Journal (AWSJ) had welcomed the outcome of the suit brought by NKF and Durai against SPH over a Stooge Times article last year. The AWSJ added that libel suits were a ‘favourite method used by important people in Singapore to discourage criticism’. (Tell us something we don’t already know about Singapore’s political ‘Death Star’.)

– that for four years, every Friday morning, Hougang’s needy residents get a meal consisting of four slices of toasted bread spread with kaya and margarine, a hard-boiled egg by the side, to be washed down with hot black coffee for free. Tali-PAP grassroot lea-duh said they have proven Low Thia Kiang wrong by proving that it is not an election gimmick as it has gone on for four years. (Talk cock lah. If Low never say it is an election gimmick you won’t ‘geh tio lan pa’ – testicles bag stuck in gears – and do it for four years leow. Other constituencies have or not? Least of all, Potong Pasir, for e.g.?)

Trivial, Jokes and Thought from Discussions

– that you also need a COE – Certificate of Eligibility – not Certificate of Entitlement to be a candidate for (s)Elected President. (At least $100k a piece. Don’t even dream about it if you don’t have that amount.)

– that Singaporeans have only 10 days to decide who they want to be the (s)elected President if there’s going to be a contest at all. (Singaporeans very matured one. Actually today nominate tomorrow can decide already.)

– that anyone who takes a cab from the Ubi area should avoid Still Road. A short trip from Ubi to Eunos can cost you $10. (It’s not often a stretch of road lives up to it’s name. Still Road. What else can you expect other than still traffic?)

-that a 20-year-old whose lawyers claimed the video game ‘Grand Theft Auto’ and childhood abuse caused him to kill three small-town police officers was convicted of capital murder. The jury deliberated for just over an hour before convicting Devin Moore. Moore could face the death penalty. (How about letting me shoot him for the sake of my anger management?)

– that Jay ‘Chow’ – stinko – was all geared up for a hot date with his girlfriend Patty Hou one night when he ended up having a heated exchange with a paparazzo . That night, the ‘pop prince’ who sings as if he’s got a something stuck in his mouth posted a message on the official website of his music company, Alfa, saying that he wished he had a ‘da gou bang’ – 打狗棒 a stick for beating dogs – with which to deal with the paparazzo*. (Next time forget the chihuahuas and just send the pitbulls on this chow shit. * Paparazzo is also called 狗仔队 – puppy teams – in Chinese.)

– that Jay ‘Chow’ is sorry. He has apologised to the public for a Next Magazine paparazzo’s video in which he is seen showing the reporter his middle finger. (Chow, cut the crap and just put on a mask or a paper bag so that no one recognises you.)

– that Chinese Internet users have launched an online campaign urging a consumer boycott of Procter & Gamble (P&G) products because the parents of the company’s endorser, Taiwanese model Lin Chi-ling, favour independence for their home island. “If Procter & Gamble doesn’t drop Lin … boycott to no end,” a post on a Chinese Internet message board, said. Scores of messages were posted on the website supporting the boycott. The backlash came after Lin’s mother, Ms Wu Chi-mei, greeted her daughter at the airport in Taiwan with a welcome-home banner reflecting pro-independence sentiment, Hong Kong’s Wen Wei Po reported. Ms Lin had returned from China after a horse-riding accident. The sign welcomed ‘Taiwan’s daughter’s return to her home country’, the newspaper said. (Wow. The horse also know! That must have been one hell of a patriotic Chinese horse.)

– that the self-proclaimed ‘Spam King’, accused of pumping out billions of unsolicited e-mail messages for everything from cut-price mortgages to sex pills, has agreed to pay millions of dollars in damages to Microsoft. He also promised to change his ways. Scott Richter, 34, once one of the world’s top three spammers, will pay Microsoft US$7 million for deluging its Hotmail with at least 50,000 illegal e-mail messages. (They should make him do hard labour a minute for every spam mail he sent.)

– that Malaysian semi-finalist Chew Sin Huey has been threatened on the MediaCorp Communities’ Project Superstar forum. According to sources, a post on the forum threatened the Singaporean PR with ‘extreme measures’ when she returned to her hometown. Chew was threatened with “rape” if she ever returned, but this couldn’t be verified as the link was soon removed by the website’s moderators. (This dog should be hunted down, its own photo and address posted online so everyone can do the same to it.)

– that a French amateur psychic’s powers of prediction were under sharp scrutiny after his crystal ball started an inferno that burnt down his flat, a British newspaper reported. (He should get a refund on that crystal ball for its failure in helping him predict this!)

2005.0809 – Nagasaki Nuked Day Also happened to be Singapore’s National Day

I must really thank my ‘fellow Singaporeans’ * puke * for turning the Benjamin Sheares Bridge – all five lanes of it – into their own private parking lot today, simply because they wanted to have the freaking best position and convenience to view our gover-min use our money to ‘bung-bao’ (放炮). For their Uniquely (selfish) Singaporean effort, I was stuck in the cab along the stretch of road leading up to the ECP for almost a good half an hour until all the fireworks is over, which costs me a smacking extra $8 dollars in cab fare. Thank you very much, Singapore, for making the 40th anniversary of our nation’s birth a particularly memorable one, you freaking sonuvabitches. What so damned good to see about those freaking fireworks anyway, you freaks? So suaku never see before is it? Like Gandalf’s fireworks in Lord of the Rings (Part 1) one – ‘wu long wu hong’ – (有龙有凤 Got Dragon Got Phoenix) – is it?

A picture of some of the ‘mofos’ See the bitch on the scooter with the camera and the taxi driver outside his cab

兀兰某处 Somewhere in Woodlands

这的确是能让人为之痛哭。让国旗如此蒙羞，还不如不挂。This is enough to make you weep. For the flag to be displayed in such indignified state, it might as well not be displayed.

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靖国神社 – 新加坡裕廊西分社
Yakusuni Shrine – Jurong West Branch, Singapore

既然日本首相小泉如此喜欢参拜神社，俺也来一起参拜。俺还在俺家开设了间‘分社’方便参拜。大家也不妨也在家里弄个‘分社’在每年八月的广岛和长崎的原爆纪念日和日本投降日当天一同参拜。只要日本政府和右派继续否认太平洋战争的罪行，亚洲里受过日本蝗军蹂躏的国民就应该‘支持参拜 ’家中的‘神社’。

Since Japanese Prime Minister Konkz-umi Junk-ichiro loves to pay respect at the Yakusuni Shrine so much, I will join in the fun. To that effect, I have set up a branch of the Yakusuni shrine at my home for my own convenience. Everyone is encouraged to have a branch at home so that they can also pay their respects on every anniversary of the atomic attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and also VJ – Victory over Japan – Day. As long as the Japanese gover-min and the right wing continue to deny their war crimes during the Pacific War, all citizens of countries oppressed before by the Imperial Japanese forces should ‘support’ the ‘paying of respects’ of their home ‘shrines’.