Today’s sermon is about assh*les.

This is not a ‘sermon’ defining what would classify one as an assh*le. Because someone reading my article would have called me a self righteous assh*le and for all I cared, he might even be justified in doing so.

But this is a sermon on different types of assh*les. There are five kinds of assholes and I will give a general description:

1. Born Assh*le: I pity you. You are just born like that. God made you that way. There’s nothing that can be done to help you. It’s in your upbringing, in your education, in your blood, in your genes, and well, in your family. There’s no reason to believe that with both nature and nurture driving you in that direction, you will not be an assh*le. So be proud of it and keep it up because we’ll all forgive you.
2. Un-aware Assh*le: You are such an assh*le but you don’t know you are one. And you think you are the kindest muthaf*cka in the whole world even when you have done things that screws up the live of many other people around you. I felt sorry for you, but you simply can’t help it. How can we fault someone who isn’t even at all aware of it?
3. Assh*le in denial: “I am not an assh*le. I am just misunderstood!” you cried. That’s what makes you different from type two, which isn’t even aware of it and thinks highly of some of the assh*le things done. In fact, you might even know what are the assh*le things you have done, but you just refuse to admit it. I also felt sorry for you. But this is still forgivable.
4. Assh*le wannabe: I don’t know what on earth is wrong with you. I mean, generally people try to be nice to one another. But you just try to be as big an assh*le you can imagine. You do things that offend and piss off everyone just so they will become annoyed, agitated and angry for your own pleasure. You relish in it. While the born assh*le is forgivable, you stand on the other spectrum, you should be condemned to hell, if not for type five.
5. Ultimate Assh*le: You know what you have done, but you never admit you are one, just like type two. You either deny vehemently of being one, or proclaim to the whole world, in a pathetic and utterly assh*le attempt to share the blame: “I am an assh*le because it is all of you assh*les made me one. I am just doing what you are doing to me!” Well done, assh*le, and I must say if one calls you an assh*le it’s well deserved. Even I can’t stand you.

So that’s all for today.

And yes, call me an assh*le. It’s not like I really give a damn. And no, I wasn’t targetting anyone in specific so if anyone is reading this in between the lines, no apologies. It’s your own fault.

Click here to refer to the previous Birdy sermon.

What is coolness?

Is Jay Chou cool? Is having an iPod cool? Is having a PSP cool? Is dyeing your hair with rainbow colors cool?

Well, Jay Chou is cool. Not the ones who imitate him. The iPod and the PSP is cool, but not all those show-offs with one. And dyeing your hair is an utter mess, but if that makes you cool in your head, well, you are cool.

So what exactly is ‘cool’ all about?

Cool doesn’t mean wearing a pair of torn jeans with hello kitty patches like everyone else. Cool doesn’t mean you go put 5 or 6 pins into your upper lip because your i-duh did it. Cool doesn’t mean you put on this jacket and keep a beard and look like Wolverine from X-Men.

Cool, simply means something that impresses everyone, but is such a tough act to follow. Being cool is unique. Being cool cannot be imitated. Being cool is a creative self expression. Therefore, some people are cool, and some people are not. And some people never will be.

So, Jay Chou is cool. But if you imitate him, then you are nothing but a pathetic moron. It simply shows you to a brainless f*ck completely lacking in originality and personality. In other words you are a hopeless f*ck trying to be someone else’s f*cking clone. And when you can’t copy his genes and his brains then even in that you have failed and that’s so completely un-cool. Not to mention being a clone’s about as cool as all those Darth Vader and Obi-Wan Kenobi toys that rolls out of some Chinese factories or every other Corolla that rolls out of Toyota’s factories in Japan.

Owning an iPod and PSP doesn’t make you cool. Oh yes, the device is damned cool, but anybody who can own one if he can fork out the money. And it doesn’t cost someone an arm or a leg to do so, thus what’s the big deal? You want to buy something to make you cool? Go buy the Freedom of the Seas! Or built your own version of Air-Force one complete with your own layout! Oh yes, that’s so cool because I can only dream about it.

For e.g. if Gold-dick Porn-Actor shows off his 12 inches long member with thumb tacks on it, he is damned cool because he’s probably going to make himself like God’s gift to women when he does it. But he’s going to be a damned difficult act to follow. First of all, stick thumb tacks onto my gold member, the most sensitive part of the body? Ouch! Won’t it be really painful? And what happens if the thumb tacks start to rust? What about infection. Oh yes, Gold-dick Porn Actor, you are damned cool.

And by now, if you still don’t know what ‘cool-ness’ is all about, you are beyond redemption. But hey, being a blockhead is cool too because I would find it damned difficult to be one myself. Bwaghahahaha…

Talking about blockheads… it reminds me of someone who is completely clueless as to why people are upset with him. And all he could do is point fingers and lay blame on others for his own predicament, while failing to look at what he has done to cause the unhappiness. That reminds me of the kind of a**hole who says, “I am an a**hole because all you a**holes caused me to become one!”

Hmm… maybe I should write a Birdy Sermon on: A**holes. When I am in the mood to, that is. Akan datang.

Frodo enters into Baradur, the Dark Tower of Sauron, and finds the Architect of the Matrix?

Here’s the conversation:

“Ah, you are finally here. Now have a seat, my little friend. That eye on top of this tower, is a bit too orange-ish, don’t you think?”

—

One screens shows Darth Vader speaking to a one-armed Luke holding on to the platform on Cloud City

“Luke… I am the Oracle!!”

—

Another shows Elrond in sunglasses, taking out the Narsil…

“Mister Aragorn, we miss you.”

—

Yet another shows Magneto, manipulating a gun in mid-air with the barrel pointing at Robert Langdon

“Here my dear Robert, open the cryptex.”

—

“Don’t be distracted by them, my little friend. I always thought it would have been better to have Saruman fight Palpatine,” The Architect says as he activates another screen showing two cloaked figures fighting one another.

* psszt psszt * * thrummm * * force throw *

Palpatine screams as he zaps Saruman with force lightning, “Limitless POOOWWERRR!! Hiak Hiak Hiak!!”

—

“Nice isn’t it, my dear Frodo? You are the incarnation of The One in this part of the Matrix. I should have made it a cookie of power instead of a ring. At least then when you are hungry you can still eat it. But then the impact on realism would be great since I would need to have the Cookie Monster coming after you!”

Frodo stood dumbfounded.

The Architect continues, “Have Aragorn ride Hildalgo would be a great idea too. Chased by sandstorms instead of Nazgul. And then Spiderman with Sea Biscuit now that will be soooooo cool. Imagine Arwen-dala instead of Amidala. That name really sucks and I actually heard someone said Amitabha! Duh!

It would have been even better if I had Darth Vader come after you instead of those hideous and useless Nazgul. Now it would have been much, much more painful for you had you been pierced by a lightsabre, and not a Mordor blade! Bwaghahahaha…”

—

Manipulates another screen showing Wolverine making love with Jean Grey

* soft moans and groans can be heard in the background *

The Architect mutters to himself, “Now that would be a much satisfying outcome. She would probably not be the vengeful Phoenix had Wolverine given her a good one!”

“Just who the hell are you?!” Frodo finally managed.

And the Architect turns around, stared Frodo in the eye and say, “Search your feelings, boy! I am your FATHER!!”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” screams Frodo.

THE END

Alright… get back to reality!! Don’t you have enough bullshit for one day?